


May To December

by Activeimagination



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-19 04:22:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10632105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Activeimagination/pseuds/Activeimagination
Summary: One stupid mistake leads to two lives and one world crumbling. Can it be re-built?





	1. The Centre Can Not Hold

**Author's Note:**

> This will hopefully be a series of chapters where a story from May to December will evolve. I've the last one written as well and a few more but will put them up in sequence. My first time at this, I've enjoyed it, hope you will too. Hope to update regularly enough.

Chapter One The Centre Can Not Hold

Pearl, one of the few remaining elderly stalwarts was standing at the bus stop looking into her small vanity mirror checking her hair. She notices the young man striding purposefully towards the Mill. My Aaron she thought, who would have thought he’d end up there. She would always be fond of him and saw him as a grandson, in his most charitable moments he saw her as a kindly woman. This was not a moment where he would be charitable. 

As Pearl boarded the bus she saw Robert Sugden leave the Woolpack and all but run towards the home he and Aaron were about to move into. She reminded herself to get a present for them and hoped that would be a reason to while away a summer’s evening in their company. 

She smiled, which was more than either of the two lads were going to do for a while. Robert ran by the place where he had been shot. He always refused to dwell on that time, a time he didn’t remember, but a time where his life ebbed slowly away on a cold dark night. Now as he tried to formulate coherent thoughts he felt his legs weak and breathing more than difficult. Whatever about life slipping he couldn’t shake the feeling that his reason for living was not so much slipping as gone beyond reach. 

In the sitting room, a room that had been the genesis of arguments surrounding furnishing, he stood at the fireplace looking at the photograph from the happiest day of his life. Beside him stood the man who, until moments ago, he was sure he would grow old and grey with. His chest hurt, his breathing laboured and he could feel beads of sweat ooze gently from his forehead. The familiar sensation of tears beginning to creep down his jaw was all but overwhelming, but this time if it killed him he would be calm. He looked at his husband’s smile in the photograph but could only see the utter dismay that had been imprinted on his face in the back room of the pub earlier. 

‘Aaron, Aaron’, the sound of the voice rang with a mixture of fear and desperation.  
‘In here’, was the reply in a tone more suited to a November chill than the evening light of a May evening flowing through the window.  
‘Aaron, I…I’, for one of the first times since they had met Robert was at a loss for words. Aaron rubbed both his eyes, left the photograph on the mantle piece and looked straight at the picture of desperation in front of him. Robert’s face was contorted as if in pain and while he couldn’t read minds he knew that it was racing.  
‘So, tell me everything’  
‘Aaron, please’  
‘Everything’, spoken coldly, decisively in the manner of an order. Robert could not bring himself to look at him. He felt that this was almost like an out of body experience. He was shaking, he felt physically sick. He knew, had known all along, how this would play out and now he felt like the man who spotted the iceberg on the Titanic and knew it was too late to avoid it.  
‘I slept with her. She’s pregnant and the baby is mine’, he was sobbing, his breath uneven and he almost did not have the energy to cry.  
‘When?’  
‘When you were away, in March, it was only once, after I went to see you the time Liv had told me about the drugs, I thought we were finished. I was so angry, so bloody angry. You were off your face, I couldn’t believe it. I…I wanted to lash out. Be the person so many people thought I was, the unfeeling bastard I used to be and….’  
‘Where?’, later when he would talk to Sarah, his counsellor, about this he would marvel at how he remained as calm as he did. There was a time when Robert would now be on the floor, quite possibly minus a few of his teeth.  
‘Please Aaron’  
‘I said where’  
‘Here’ it was a whisper, ‘upstairs’.  
Aaron sat down and breathed out. He felt strangely relieved, desperately hurt for sure and there was a thundering noise in his head but now he felt as if someone else or something else was directing this train wreck.  
‘When you said you had told her to get rid I assume you meant get an…’  
‘Yeah, I didn’t want you to find out, I don’t care for or about her, you have to believe me’ Robert was becoming shrill. The response was icily deliberate and deadly clear.  
‘I have to do nothing, you on the other hand, well you have responsibilities. Well you had them to me naturally from the moment you promised to be faithful’  
‘Please Aaron those promises meant everything, you mean everything’  
‘I’m speaking Robert. You know what it is like to be unwanted by a parent. You have no right to repeat that now’  
‘Aaron’, he was shouting, ‘I love you, what about us?’  
Aaron looked up, his face was washed out and the tears were flowing again. Robert couldn’t bear that he was the cause of it, and he was, completely. His pulse quickened when he saw the man he loved remove the ring from his left index finger.  
‘There is no us. You are a lot of things Robert but thick isn’t one of them. You knew there would be no us from the minute you climbed on top of her.’ He rose from the chair ‘now I’m going to Leeds for a few days. You will be gone when I come back, I’ll tell Mum and Liv then’

He walked by. At the door he turned.  
‘If you ever loved me?’  
‘I do, You know I do’  
‘You will never contact me, no calls, no texts, nothing. You are nothing to me now, nothing to us’  
It didn’t take long to pack, he didn’t care what he brought. Tears blurred his vision. He needed to get out, to leave. Downstairs Robert Sugden stood looking at the photograph. That day, so carefully planned as a surprise, so utterly chaotic but ultimately the personification of perfection was the happiest of his life. Now the future he had hoped for and tried to build was burned to a crisp. He didn’t realise it but for one of the first times Robert did not search for a culprit other than himself because there wasn’t one. He was the only criminal in all of this. He heard the footsteps on the stairs and ran out into the hall.

‘I will always love you Aaron, I’m so……..’ he was speaking to the man’s back and felt it unnecessary to continue talking to himself after the door had closed.  
His head hurt, he felt weak and he collapsed in a heap of morose sorrow on the floor. There had been bad days, Katie’s last on the planet, the day he confessed that to Andy, the day he woke from his coma to be told Aaron had been arrested. The worst, up to that point, had been the day his father had told him to leave and go as far away as possible. This, though, this was by far the lowest he had been, there was no anger just emptiness swelling all over him and enveloping him almost as completely as the flames had done to the barn and his mother’s life all those years ago. 

Eventually he passed out from tiredness, while in a hotel bed the man he loved did the same both thinking of each other and a shattered future. Morning would come but it would bring no joy.


	2. Father and Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron returns from Leeds, Robert has gone. The man Aaron Dingle has seen as a father steps up one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always liked Aaron and Paddy. This brings them together again. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter Two Father and Son 

Being alone did not always mean being lonely. Aaron was used to being alone from time to time and had experienced loneliness. However the level of loneliness that he felt in this house that was his new home was like something he never felt. It had a physical presence in his body like a hole in his heart. It was almost smothering. Part of him had expected Robert to be still here, refusing to go, demanding to be heard even blaming Aaron for what had happened. At least that would have evoked anger and anger would have been better than emptiness.

Looking around the freshly painted walls he cried, bitter tears that stung his eyes. He knew, deep down he always knew it would happen. It was that fear he had that drove him to leather Kasim, that led to him going to jail and it was while he was there it had happened. He felt that Robert couldn’t have hurt him any more had he been in Gordon’s cell with Jason and the other thugs on that day. He went into the kitchen and saw an envelope on the table. 

He knew what it was, would recognise the handwriting anywhere. Robert had always exuded a hard exterior but one of their rituals were the little notes he would find in their bedroom at the pub promising an undying love. He wanted to bin it but knew he would need to read it. 

Aaron, What I did was unforgivable. I will never forgive myself and in all honesty I can expect you to either. You hate me, Chas and Liv will hate me. You family will hate me and I have no doubt that Vic and Dianne will as well. I know that so many people think I’ve always been out for myself, caring about no one. I was trying to be a better person, you were making me a better man every single day. I couldn’t take it when I thought you were turning your back on me. I was angry, and anger always makes me do stupid stuff. This is not an excuse just explaining what happened. I will always love you, I have for a long time, I will miss you and miss the life we, you, me and Liv would have built. I will do what you asked me, you deserve that. This will be the last you will hear from me. If you ever want to contact me please do. Rob. P.s. I put the photos of the wedding in the third drawer in the spare room, just so that you wouldn’t have to look at them. I took a few with me xx

This was a different Robert, one that he could hardly recognise. He put the note into his pocket and wiped his tears away for the umpteenth time. On the drive from Leeds he had mentally listed what he had to do. Busy was going to be his middle name from now, busy at work, busy in counselling, busy in the garden, busy healing himself and trying to plot out a future for himself and Liv once she came home. 

The doorbell woke him from his reverie. The glass on the side of the door revealed that it was the one person he needed to see above anyone else. The man he saw as his father although not one drop of blood between them was the same.   
‘Aaron, mate’  
Paddy grabbed him in a bear hug. Aaron breathed and almost convulsed, five days was a long time not to be held.  
‘You were right’  
‘God, Aaron I have never wished I was wrong as much as I have in the last two days’  
‘Know that feeling’  
‘I don’t know. The day you got married I just felt he loved you, the way he was so cut up when you were given the twelve months, I just don’t know’  
‘Are you going to start defending him…?  
‘No of course not’  
‘Like some kind of flaming club’  
‘Excuse me’  
‘Well you both know what it’s like to break the heart of the person you claim to love so much, I’m sure you could compare notes’ his voice dripped with anger and bitterness.  
‘You can try to make me leave but I won’t. I made an awful mistake. Continued making it. I destroyed my life and Rhona’s and I can tell you I have done nothing but regret it since. I’m not here to explain him or to defend what he did. I hated myself and as little time I have for him he hates himself, just ask Vic who has to….’  
He halted. Not sure if Aaron really needed to know that the once haughty Sugden, who had left him to die in a grain pit was now essentially a broken man drinking every night and hardly stirring during the day.   
‘Huh’  
‘He’s staying in Vic’s. I mean I think the first couple of nights he was in his car but she is his sister’  
‘Couldn’t care less’, this was only half true. Adam had rang him before he got to Leeds, offered to drive there and spend a few days with him. He rang him twice a day. Aaron had asked him how Rob was and Adam had said he hadn’t seen the swine since. Aaron had flipped, reminding him that he had done something similar in the past. He also insisted that Vic find her brother and take him in. Adam Barton knew that this is what Aaron would want, it was his nature and it was his wife’s nature so he was stuck, once again, with his wayward brother in law. 

Aaron returned from the kitchen with two cans, he had been tempted to go for a whiskey but he was adamant that his head would be clear in the morning. He sat down still feeling empty.   
‘I’m sorry Paddy, I lashed out’  
‘It’s ok’  
‘No it’s not. I’m not going down that road again. I’ve booked a counselling session for tomorrow and I will block book them for the next few weeks. I’ve stuff to deal with and sort out. I’m going to do it, I’m determined’  
‘I’m glad to hear that, I’ll be here for you’  
‘I know, I’ve known that for years, I’ll need you.’, the tears began to come again. ‘You know you were right’  
‘Yeah, about what’  
‘That night years ago when you told me that love would break my heart but that I would want to keep experiencing it. Well you were right about it breaking the heart, not about going to look for it again mind’  
‘In time’  
‘No’, he shook his head forlornly, ‘I won’t’.  
‘Aaron, mate you will, we all do’.   
They looked at each other, father and son, lost, lonely but not alone.


	3. He Walks a Lonely Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert faces a lonely road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Focus on Robert from after the reveal.

Chapter Three He Walks a Lonely Road

It was dark in the house, dark outside and dark in his soul when Robert Sugden woke. He checked his phone, a picture of lost happiness looked up at him and he saw it was four in the morning. There was no message on the phone, nobody asking how he was, how anything was. He sloped upstairs and gathered his unpacked bags. Tears were flowing freely and he wanted to sit in a corner and allow them to but he had to get away. In the hall he decided that he would put the photographs of them together into a drawer in the spare room. He knew Aaron would hate doing that and now, late as it was, he was determined to make the path a bit easier for the man he loved. 

Coming down stairs again he sat at the kitchen table. A table they had never shared a meal at and wrote one more note to Aaron. Somewhere among the belongings of his husband were countless others he had written over the last year and a bit. He wrote freely and openly although each stroke of the pen stabbed him in his heart. He caressed the photos he decided to being with him, just two. One of them as a couple in ridiculous Christmas jumpers from just five months ago, one of the happiest days of his life when he realised that for the first time in more years that he cared to remember that he actually belonged somewhere, with the man he loved and his family who had eventually welcomed him. The other was ‘his family’ taken on the day in February when he was the happiest he had ever been. Moving to the hall brightness was once again beginning to creep through the windows. He looked around one last time wanting to capture forever what it looked like. A paroxysm of pain ran through him and he walked out the door.   
oOo

For the first two nights he slept in his car by the barn, their barn. He couldn’t bring himself to go into it, memories flashed before his eyes that once would have brought a smile but now just bitter remorse and helplessness. In his mind he replayed them on a constant loop. One in particular came again and again, the day he stood there practising his proposal speech to Victoria. That day he thought he was going to lose Aaron and would have stayed with him, would not have left him. He wondered how he, the same man, could also have betrayed his husband the way he did. Yes, he was angry and in the past he would have blamed Aaron but not now. Now there was only one person to blame, the face he would see in the rear view mirror should he choose to look. By day he went to Hotton, stocked up at the off licence, grabbed take aways and drank for the evening until he passed out. 

His phone rang, the third day of this unending purgatory. He awoke, startled and looked at the phone hoping against all expectation it would be him.  
‘Yeah’  
‘Robert’ his sister’s uncompromising tone greeted him, ‘where are you?’  
‘In my car’  
‘Well could you bring your car to my house, now’.   
He doubted he could face her. There had been many moments when he disappointed her but this was one he did not want forgiveness for. He did need a shower though so he drove. His little sister answered the door. There was no hug, no real words of welcome.  
‘You will stay here’  
‘Vic, I don’t deserve kindness’  
‘I’m not offering that. You will stay here, you will pay rent, cook and clean for yourself. This is your mess and I’m just giving you shelter.’  
‘Thanks’, it was barely audible.  
‘Rob, you’re my brother, the only one I have here now. I love you but right now’ her voice began to quiver, ‘right now I don’t like you’   
He turned to go up stairs.   
‘Vic, I don’t like myself now either’. 

Hours later Adam Barton was sitting on the couch when his brother in law came into the room. The younger man was taken aback. He had seen Robert at his swash buckling best, he had seen him after being shot but tonight he was looking at a pale imitation of both those versions of him. Adam’s loyalty lay with Aaron, plain and simple. Vic had had enough too until his best friend instructed him to get his wife to take him in. Typical of Aaron, typical of the convoluted way his mind worked.   
‘Adam you need to do something for me’  
‘Like bloody hell Rob, now listen here it’s taking all my self control not to send you into the middle of next week’  
‘You comfortable in the glass house Adam?’ Robert was shattered but still capable of a classic put down.  
‘You what?’, a look of genuine confusion swept across Adam’s face.  
‘Vanessa’  
‘Now look here….’  
‘I don’t care, look like I said you have to do this.’  
‘What are you on mate?’  
‘Look out for Aaron. He’s going to be in a bad way. Awful way. He won’t want to let people in. You have to look after him. Keep an eye on him, keep him busy at work. If he goes for a run you have to go with him. That’s the most important thing’  
Adam got to his feet. Robert was almost hysterical, talking quickly striding around the small living room. He approached him.  
‘Rob, listen…’  
‘No you listen, and you need to see if he’s wearing jumpers and stuff.’  
Adam took a breath. Robert looked like he was about to collapse.  
‘Mate’ he spoke softly, ‘I will’  
Robert collapsed into a chair like a man that had just completed an ultra marathon.   
‘I’ll get a brew’  
In the kitchen Adam shook his head. His best mate insisted that they take the cheating pratt in and now that self same pratt was desperately ensuring that he would keep an eye on the man whose heart he had broken. Never, never would he get the inner workings of either of them.

oOo 

Aaron returned and although true to his word that he would not contact him Robert was relieved. However he was the only one in his small circle that felt that way. This man looked like Robert Jacob Sugden but that was the only resemblance. He lost interest in everything. Never appeared at the scrap yard. Allowed Nicloa and Jimmy to run Home James. They probably would run it into the ground but he didn’t care. The scrap business would be ok, Adam was a good grafter and it looked like Aaron was either oblivious to hurt or was throwing himself into work. Robert had not so much thrown him self anywhere but rather fallen head long into a stupor. Mornings were spent mostly in bed, nights for the most part in the bedroom drinking. The afternoon was spent in the Woolpack drinking quietly by himself and almost acquiring a taste for Marlon’s culinary skills. Every part of every day was consumed with a self-loathing he never knew was possible. He had taken the verbal onslaught from Cain without answering and the constant barbs from Charity were met with head bowed and puppy dog silence. The tirade from Chrissie was nothing he hadn’t got before, his ex father in law the same. 

The only thing he had done was compose an email to Liv. He apologised to her. Gave no excuses, there were none, told her he would always love her brother and care for her. He expected no response and his expectations were met. He had texted Chas to say he wouldn’t tell Aaron she had known. The response was to take himself on a long walk off a short pier. He had smiled ruefully. He never thought it would be possible to miss her but he did. 

oOo

As time passed he would see Aaron around the village, going to the coffee shop, the pub, out in the garden of the house that would have become their home. Each time his chest would tighten and his breathing would labour. He never approached him and Aaron never looked his way. Adam had been true to his word and looked out for Aaron, meeting him after work at least twice a week. He had tried the running but Aaron demanded he leave him and anyway the runs were short and within a time of about fifty minutes. 

Robert accepted that and took to keeping an eye out for him. Aaron had become very reliable in terms of his times. Rob would note him running by and then anxiously wait for his return. It was nearly always in forty five minutes and then he could focus on his drink again. One Thursday evening he saw him head off. Forty five minutes passed, then fifty, then fifty five. On the hour mark Robert thundered down the stairs and out the door. He headed in the direction Aaron should be coming back in. Something has happened like that time he spent the night out in the cold. He had to find him. He had had two glasses of cheap whiskey but was trying to break into a trot. In the wooded area near the village he heard something and a second later Aaron came into view. Relief almost overwhelmed him. He didn’t even think he needed to think of an excuse. He made to pretend he was out for an evening stroll. It looked like Aaron took his pace down slightly but that must have been his imagination as his ex, how he hated that word, husband jogged by. Robert walked on a bit and then just bent on his hunkers and hammered the ground in front of him. He thought Aaron might have stopped, even nodded but no. His runners were wet from the dew and he marvelled that he still had tears to cry. The birds were chirping as he made his way slowly back towards the village. Alone. 

oOo

Summer was passing, a typical British one at times with a couple of seasons thrown into the one day. The weather might have been changeable but not the mood of the man who left the village as a lost teenager, returned a confident businessman and now once again as lost as the day he drove away more than a decade before. Robert felt engulfed by a dense fog, one that refused to lift. One that was fed by guilt, anger and self-disgust. Everything he ever did wrong haunted him, the people he hurt, some now gone forever, the people he wronged, the people who had every right to hate him. He was toxic, everything he touched and everyone he came in contact with had been all but destroyed by him. He was little more than a shell. 

He didn’t know it but people did care. Vic was worried, even Adam was concerned and Dianne definitely was. She had promised Jack she would look after them, a promise that she felt she had utterly failed to keep. Robert was not her son but she cared for him. She had been to his two weddings and in February she truly believed he had found the happiness he craved. Aaron Dingle had made him a better man, a man with the best qualities that she had loved in his father, decent, loving and loyal. She had been there in the hall when she, Vic and Aaron had overheard the heated conversation between Robert and Rebecca White that had revealed an illicit one night stand and a pregnancy. Not for the first time she regretted ever laying eyes on that family. So now on this late July evening she once again went on a mission.

His unkempt appearance surprised her. He had always prided himself on looking well, a streak of vanity that had been absent in his step brother.  
‘Robert, I’m worried’  
‘Dianne, I’m fine’  
‘You’re not. I promised your father’  
‘You don’t need to worry about that anymore’  
‘Robert, please. I know what happened was awful but surely you can try to reach out to him’  
‘He has made his feelings clear and I have to respect them. Don’t you see I broke his heart, I’m not going to torture him now’  
‘You don’t mind torturing yourself though pet’  
‘I deserve it, more than you can know’  
‘And the baby when it comes, does it not deserve a father who can care’  
‘Dianne’, his voice rose an octave or two, ‘The last thing in the world that any baby needs is me in its life, believe me. Ask the people whose lives I have destroyed, Chrissie, Katie, Andy, Aaron’, the last name was barely audible between sobs.   
She rose and hugged him tightly, he was like a young boy and there was nothing else she felt she could do now. 

oOo  
July melted into August and the evenings began to shorten. Aaron still ran and Robert still observed him in and out. He still drank too much and going through paperwork now consisted of merely scrawling his signature on the bottom of pages. He had grown into the habit of taking a walk around eleven at night to check that Aaron was at home with a light on upstairs. It helped him get to sleep a bit earlier.   
‘Robert’  
His heart skipped a beat. His vision was not perfect, whiskey he thought to himself, damn whiskey. He did a double take.  
‘Pearl, out late?’  
‘As are you, not annoying him are you?’  
‘Pearl, I know this will take a supreme effort but could you for once mind your own bloody business?’  
‘I’ve seen you the last few nights’  
‘MI5 have no idea what they’re missing’  
‘Young man, I may be old but I’m not stupid, you miss him’  
‘Good night Pearl’  
‘You broke his heart and…’  
He began to walk away quickly, he did not want to cause a scene and his temper was rising.   
‘Robert Sugden’  
He turned and walked towards her again.  
‘He is like a grandson to me. He is broken and he misses you too, I’m sure of it and call me stupid but I think one reason you come along here each night is to make sure he is ok’  
He couldn’t answer, she was right but that was not what he was focusing on. She had said Aaron missed him too.   
‘No need to come by tomorrow night, he’s going to Dublin to visit Liv and Chas. Sandra is based back there now.’  
‘Oh, I see, Good night Pearl’  
‘Good night Robert’ 

oOo

Back in his room he took out his phone and texted Liv. ‘I know Aaron is going to visit you. I know you hate me but please let me know he got there safely, don’t tell him.’ He looked at a photo on his phone, a face of utter perfection looked back.  
‘Good night Mr Sugden’  
He was not talking to himself.


	4. You got to Get Up and Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron, on his own, facing the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Focus on Aaron in the days and weeks after his return from Leeds.

Chapter Four You got To Get Up and Try 

Routine was good, Aaron knew that, once the routine in question did not involve harming himself. He was determined that that would not happen, he had been down that path and it was one to be avoided at all costs. So routine involved work, taking the odd run, meeting Adam a couple of times a week, Paddy at weekends. Calling to Uncle Zac and Lisa, having Cain and Kyle over now and again. It involved gardening, which he found almost therapeutic but would never admit it. Every evening there was a call to Liv and his Mum, they were nearly important as the calls he had made while locked up. However his most important routine and indeed the most tiring was his weekly appointment with Sarah, his counsellor. 

Going had been Robert’s idea. Indeed he would never have walked in without his encouragement and would have briskly walked out were it not for him being there for the first couple of visits. Now however he went alone. The hour would pass and he would realise that he had talked for most of it, yeah there was always gentle prodding, edging him toward this topic or that topic but in a real sense he felt he was having a conversation with himself for a lot of it and the knots that had become part and parcel of his being were slowly loosened.

The abuse he suffered as a child and teenager, the process of dealing with accepting his sexuality, Jackson, the initial affair with Robert, his ever present, at times, almost relentless anger had all formed a web of intricate knots in his mind and in the pit of his stomach. The relief he felt as Sarah and he would gently prise them apart was immense. It was draining, so much so that after a session he would go home and just lie on the sofa for an hour, ‘de-compressing’ it had been called in some leaflet he had picked up in the waiting room one day. 

There were generally tears in the sessions, plenty of them but they too helped to release tension. He was becoming diligent at untying knots, focusing on himself, trying to make himself a better person, a stronger person able to stand by himself because he had no choice now. Cleverly, he thought, he had built walls that Sarah would not get through and behind each of those walls was Robert. 

‘Aaron, I’d like to ask you something’, Sarah said out of the blue one evening towards the end of June.  
‘Shoot’, he said with a smile.  
‘What about the situation with Robert?’  
He looked up sharply and glanced around the room. Automatically he scratched the back of his head.  
‘I said, we’re finished’, he took a breath, ‘He cheated on me. End of’   
‘Yes, I mean how do you feel about that’  
‘Ecstatic’, his chin jutted out slightly, a sign he was irritated.  
‘Aaron’  
‘Look Sarah, I’m not going to pretend I’m not broken hearted over it but honestly I always felt it would happen. It did and now I just have to get on with my life and focus on me.’  
‘Did you talk to him about it?’  
‘Briefly, before I kicked him out. He left a note saying how sorry he was and that he loved me you know yada yada’  
‘I see’  
‘Sarah, I really want to focus on the other stuff, please’  
‘Ok Aaron, you’re in charge’  
Driving home that evening anger came over him in waves. He knew he would have to talk about that but he was not in the place to just yet. That was the biggest knot and he wasn’t sure he would be able to untie it. 

That night, like so many others, he found himself standing at the kitchen sink. Just to his right was his phone and on it a photograph of him and Rob. It was a rare selfie from a quiz night in the pub just before Christmas. That night they had wiped the floor with the competition. Robert had been elated; Paddy had heartily congratulated them both. They had been a united team, proud, strong and the Woolpack could see it. Tears streamed down his face,  
‘Why?’ he sobbed. He began to shake.  
Again and again the same questions, why had he done it, why had his husband done the one thing he must have known would rip the man he claimed to love to pieces. 

He climbed the stairs, undressed and went to bed. Tossing and turning for an age asking one simple question over and over until eventually he succumbed to sleep. In the morning he would get up and, again, put one foot in front of the other.

oOo 

Being busy was important. It was probably a distraction but he didn’t care. A focus was what he needed. He worked hard, grew contacts in the business and made sure that there was always money in an account to pay Robert his share if ever he came looking for it. Mind you that particular business partner had not appeared in the yard since May. He was a silent partner in every respect of the word now and merely signed his name on documents that Adam furnished him. The same went for the haulage firm giving Nicola a freedom she had never dreamed would come again. 

When not busy in work he busied himself around the house and continued to put the garden in order. He was the first of the Dingle clan to care about such things, his Uncle Zak was slightly bemused and put it down to ‘his way’ as he put it. Nevertheless he helped when he could and would while away an hour or so afterwards in the evening drinking larger paid for by a grateful grand nephew. On one of these visits his cousin Charity was actually working.  
‘You’ve done me a big favour’  
‘Huh?’, he was confused.  
‘Well ever since you got rid Sugden has been contributing nicely to my retirement fund here every day’  
‘Good, there isn’t that long left to go after all’. He hated that those knots twinged tighter still when he heard the name. The same twinge when he would see him in the distance, entering Vic’s or going to the coffee shop.

Running became a hobby once again, but one he had to be careful about. In the past he had run when things became too much or he felt he had to almost punish himself. Now it was for enjoyment. He limited the distance and usually completed it in forty-five minutes. Music playing in his ears, pacing himself, feeling the sweat ooze from his forehead and fresh air circulate around his system pushing his lungs to capacity. He didn’t really understand the science but endorphins were helping too. After returning from Leeds he had been met by Adam in newly purchased gear. It had brought a much needed laugh at the time. Adam was insistent. Three sessions had been enough,  
‘Mate you are slowing me down. Look I need to do these by myself, I’m being careful, not overdoing it’  
‘You sure?’  
‘Yeah’  
‘Ok then’, Adam had replied with a sigh of immense relief.   
Aaron was bemused and thought that the exercise must not have been his idea. That thought almost brought a smile to his face. 

oOo

Sarah had taken a break for a fortnight and Aaron felt himself looking forward to his session. He relaxed into the first one back and was working through the answers to a worksheet he had filled out.   
‘Still being careful with the running’  
‘Yeah try to limit it to forty-five minutes’  
‘Good’  
‘Yeah, the other day was an exception though. I was running nicely and just came on the clearing as the sun was kind of slanting through. It was lovely, I just stopped and took it in for a few minutes. Doesn’t make me soft though’  
‘Of course not’, she smiled.   
‘Anyway on my way back I ran into him’  
‘ Robert?’, she looked up from her notes.   
‘Yeah, unusual to see him out. He looked…he looked worse than I’ve been feeling at times.’  
Silence for a few seconds. Sarah knew he was waiting for a question but this had to come from him.  
‘I slowed down but then kept going. I really, really wanted to stop just for a second, but I was afraid I’d cut loose, tear into him, verbally I mean. So I kept going.’  
‘What might have you said to him do you think?  
‘That he broke my heart. He broke Liv’s heart. He shattered the future we would have had. That I hate walking around the house, the home we would have had.’ He was crying now, using the cuffs of his sweater to dry his eyes.   
‘I see’  
‘Why…why do I still miss him? After everything, the affair, the lodge, all he did, her, why do I still miss him?’  
‘You’re human Aaron, you loved him, you may still. It is natural to miss him. I’m sure he misses you too’  
‘He looked broken Sarah, I actually still cared that he looked broken. What kind of a fool does that make me?’  
‘Aaron it makes you a caring young man, a man who has been through so much and is coming out the other end. A man capable of love and affection and one that will be able to give all that again to someone’.  
Their hour was almost up.  
‘I’ll see you after your visit to Dublin, yeah?’  
‘For sure, thanks’  
She looked as he walked out. Progress was being made and she felt this young man would make it to the other side. 

oOo

He slept in. Always happened on the worst days. He had packed the night before and had, as usual, spent a few minutes in the spare bedroom looking at the pictures from the top drawer where Robert had put the wedding ones. He still felt empty, a feeling that hurt physically but was getting better. In the third drawer lay about sixty notes that had been written to him over their time together. He had kept them all but didn’t look at them now. He didn’t need to punish himself that much. A gobbled breakfast and out the door where he almost collided with Pearl.  
‘Aaron, love. I’ve made something for you to have at the airport’  
‘Thanks’  
He was in a hurry and she followed him as he put his stuff in the car. She strategically placed herself in front of the driver’s door. Aaron did his best to hide his exasperation. She had been good to him and especially so over the last couple of months.   
‘Robert was here last night’  
‘What?’  
‘Outside there, checking the lights were on’  
‘Don’t be soft’  
‘He was, I talked to him. I think he goes by most nights, probably a bit drunk, but he does’  
Aaron made towards the door of the car. Subtlety rarely worked with Pearl.  
‘Just letting you know. That must be virtually everyone that cares for you in this village looking out for you’  
‘Be sure to thank them then’ he almost snarled.  
‘Funny, he snapped too’  
‘Pearl, look for Pete’s sake, I’m sorry, don’t mean to be rude but I have a day’s work to do before heading to the airport’  
‘My love to Liv and Chas, I’ll call round on Monday’  
He grinned and sat into his car. Driving out the gateway he put his sunglasses on. Everyone that cares for me he thought. There was something to be said for that being a small number sometimes. He shook his head, put up the volume and headed towards the scrapyard.


	5. Good Evening Dublin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron visits Chas and Liv who are in Dublin with Sandra. He heads out on the town while there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few explainers before beginning.  
> Mayo is a county in the West of Ireland. The sport referred to is Gaelic Football.  
> The bar is Pantibar, a well known gay bar in Dublin.  
> The nightclub is Copper Face Jacks, commonly referred to as Coppers, busy spot in central Dublin.

Chapter Five Good Evening Dublin

Sat in the back of a taxi moving through traffic free streets Aaron absent- mindedly rubbed his left index finger where he used to wear a wedding band. The emptiness began to spread from the pit of his stomach again. Damn it he thought. This was meant to be a special weekend, a chance to catch up with his sister and mother, away from the village. Things were getting better and he had to kick the habit of rubbing that bloody finger.   
‘Here we are lad, twenty euro will do it’  
‘Thanks, have a good evening’  
It was that time of evening when light and half -light were mingling, there were all the signs that it had been a warm day but now there was a freshness in the air, a reminder that summer was dwindling away and the clutches of autumn were reaching out. Winter of discontent he thought to himself and wondered how he, not exactly an avid attendee at school back in the day, could even remember the line. 

‘Aaron! Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. Welcome to Dublin.’  
‘Liv’ he sighed, the knot in his stomach was unwinding as he draped himself around her in a massive bear hug. He missed her so much, he had let her down, he knew that. Deep in his heart he wanted her back and his Mum. Still, he was here now and soon they would be back where they belonged.   
‘Fancy a brew?, Not the same as at home mind’  
‘Yeah, please’  
She looked at him, her big brother. She didn’t bother thinking the step word now. He was her brother, the only man she had ever trusted in her young life. Thinking of him on his own, wandering around that house made her sick. Still he had insisted she stay here with her Mum and Chas until Sandra was fully recovered and able to manage. That wouldn’t be long now and things could get back to normal, well a new normal since Robert was gone.   
‘Who’s the text from sis?’  
She half blushed, he thought it must be a lad or maybe a girl and he smiled.  
‘No one important, believe me’. She was rapidly moving her index finger across her keypad ‘Just here, he’s fine, I’m looking after him unlike u’.   
‘There are biscuits if you’d like’  
‘Nah, I’m on a health buzz, need to get back to tip top shape’  
‘You back on the pull?’  
‘Don’t be soft, last thing I need is a man in my life right now’. 

Sandra had obviously fallen on her feet with this house, well-apportioned rooms and nice fireplace. He was almost domesticated he thought since moving into the Mill. Liv was busy on her ipad, as per. Tiredness was creeping in and he needed sleep but Chas would be disappointed if he didn’t wait up.  
‘Aaron I need to tell you something’  
‘Ah, it was a boy earlier then’, he smiled. Although he was probably the last person that was in a position to give advice on that particular topic.  
‘No, it was Robert’  
His stomach was midway up his chest when he remembered to breath. Rob was texting Liv, he hadn’t heard from him since May, seen him a bit but not heard from him.  
‘He was checking you got here ok’  
‘Was he now, don’t see how it’s any of his business’  
She put the ipad down. Her brother looked ashen faced, colour was only slowly beginning to return to his cheeks. Well she was not going to keep secrets.  
‘Aaron, I don’t know why he texted but I think he was actually worried about you. He said he would always love you and care for me’  
‘Must have been a long bloody text’  
‘No that was in the email’  
‘The what’ he was trying to control his voice, but his stomach was on the move again. Ok count to ten, deep breaths, come on Dingle you know how to handle these things now.   
‘You know mail sent electronically, kind of a thing since the nineties’   
‘Liv’  
‘Look he emailed me a couple of days after you told us. Long epic like apologising for everything to me, saying that he had ruined everything. That he cared for me, always would and that you were everything to him and would be forever…proper soppy git….Aaron I didn’t reply, I swear I hated him then’  
‘Does Mum know?’  
‘No, didn’t tell her, the mention of his name is enough to drive her mad. Aaron he was good to me you know when you were away’  
‘I know Liv, I know. Let him know I got here’.  
He looked into the empty fireplace. He thought it would be different to have someone in the room but it wasn’t really. He was better than he had been and he knew the feeling would go away soon. Empty fireplaces like empty hearts, just waiting for a flame to be lit. 

‘Does your mum get a hug?’  
‘Of course you do’  
She looked him over, he had lost weight but looked ok. She noticed he was wearing a t-shirt. She was relieved, Cain and Paddy had assured her he wasn’t harming himself but she needed to be sure and if he thought he was getting out of Dublin without her seeing him half naked he would have another thought coming to him.   
‘Where’s Liv?’  
‘Gone up to bed, we’re going to the zoo tomorrow apparently’  
He looked at her, she was beginning to sob. He knew she would and he knew that would start him.  
‘I hate him, what he’s done to you, what he’s done to the life you were going to have together. I lied to you, to my own son, swore I’d never do that. And to think there’s going to be a constant reminder of it….’  
‘Mum, look please I can’t talk about it any more. I’m talked out’  
‘Is he pestering you? Cain is keeping an eye’  
‘I told him not to contact me back in May and he hasn’t.   
‘You mean he doesn’t even bloody check that you’re ok’  
He laughed. Robert Sugden was always hard pressed to be in his mother’s graces but now no matter what he did it would be wrong.   
‘He could never win. Mum he is respecting my wishes, I asked him not to contact me and he hasn’t. Pearl tells me that he walks by the mill every night at 11 to check the light is on in our bedroom’  
She looked up at the ‘our’ but said nothing. Her son was a brave man and she loved him. He would never go back there.   
‘Plus Adam is looking out for me, he would anyway but I know Rob is at the back of it when he’s sober that is’  
‘Huh’  
‘Mum, he’s broken, a shell of the man he was. Drinking a lot, falling about the place. No interest in the scrapyard or the haulage business. Even allows that psycho Laclan say what he likes to him’  
‘Good’  
‘Mum…’  
‘Look love if you want someone to feel sorry for that toerag you’re in the wrong place’  
‘It’s not that’ he was rubbing his finger again, looking into that empty fireplace, Christ how could he be feeling sorry for him, but he was.

oOo

‘I’m heading out’  
‘Where?’  
‘Into town Mum, it’s Dublin. Everybody raves about the night-life, I’m going to sample it’  
‘I’ll come’  
‘Mum, please you’ll cramp my style’  
He smiled and walked out the door sneaking a last look in the mirror in the hall. Didn’t look half bad. Even if he said so himself. It had been a nice day. Good trip to the zoo and a lazy picnic in the park. Just the three of them, carefree and enjoyable. 

‘Where to, lad’, the taxi driver reminded him of Uncle Zak.  
‘Caple street please’  
‘Heading to the wild side so’  
Aaron smiled, he knew the north side of the city was the edgier and knew he’d be at home there. Through the taxi window a city was alive. People everywhere, his age, young, well-dressed, happy. Well at least he had something in common with them.  
‘Which end son?’  
‘Oh’  
‘Well do you have a name of a pub?’  
‘Yeah, umh, Pan…’  
‘Ah I see’  
‘You what’ he snapped, he shouldn’t have but the last thing he wanted was some old has been sitting in judgement. Those days were long gone and he was going to call anyone on bigotry no matter what.  
‘You might see my grandson in there, nice lad. Great to see him at ease with himself now, you’ve no idea what he went through. Sorry maybe you have….anyway enjoy the night and be good’  
Aaron paid what was on the metre thinking oh man I know what the lad went through believe me and what’s more I have an idea what will come because love is a bitch. 

It had been a long time since he had been in a gay bar. Robert hated the scene and when they were together he saw no need to go on it. Since then he just couldn’t be bothered going back to Bar West. The doorman greeted him and he walked in. The place was eaving, Rhianna was at the top of her voice singing about love in an awkward place. Where else? He thought to himself. Walked to the bar and noticed not one Irish guy behind it unless each of them had a parent from Brazil. They also went to the gym. A lot. Still easier on the eye than either Charity or Marlon, that was for sure. 

There was a standing space beside a booth and Guinness in hand he moved towards it and looked at the world go by. He made up stories about the people wondered where the confidence came from and how you could actually get to know so many gay people. Like were there clubs or something, unlike the Dales.  
‘Hey there, come here often?’,  
He looked up, there was a guy standing there tall, well built, tight t -shirt and skinny jeans. Ginger hair, well it was Ireland, holding a hand out to him. Again his stomach was on a journey but the reason was somewhat different this time.  
‘Alright, first time mate’ the hand shake was firm.  
‘Ronan’  
‘Aaron’  
Ronan could talk. He was from the country as he put it, somewhere on the West coast. His team Mayo were playing in a semi the following day and he was up staying over with mates.  
‘They’re heading to coppers’  
‘Bit early for the cop shop mate, surely’  
‘Ha no it’s a club, well cattle mart really for straights, though I’ve been known to score there on the odd occasion’  
‘Ah, good to know’  
‘Yeah so are you going to stick to the tourist drink or can I get you something else’  
Looking over at him at the bar Aaron could see a confident guy, not arrogant but someone who was at home with himself, out to enjoy the night and chatty. He walked back, edging his way through the crowd nodding at some lad he must have recognised.  
‘Dublin is a small bloody town, I tell ya’ he chuckled.  
‘You meeting your mates later then?’  
‘Boring you am I, ah no. Maybe not if they get lucky or if I do’ he smiled and winked simultaneously. Aaron spluttered over his drink. Yeah, confident guy. 

oOo

Next morning he woke in a strange bed for the first time in over two years. He looked around, and rubbed his eyes. These were moments he hated.   
‘Ah he’s awake’ Ronan was coming in draped in a towel. Looking well, Aaron thought, didn’t do too bad at all eh.  
‘Won’t your mates mind?’  
‘Just that you’re a Pool fan really mate to be honest, come on there’s a nice place at he top of the street for breakfast’  
‘Umm, ok. Look Ronan I don’t umm usually do this’  
‘Eat breakfast?  
‘Hillarious’  
‘Look mate, we’re two young lads, good looking as well if you don’t mind me saying so and we will be dead long enough. I had a good time last night so just thought before we, you know, never see each other again we could grab a bite’

Going out the door another lad shouted that they were going to the game at 12. Ronan shouted something back and grabbed his jacket. They spent an hour chatting over breakfast. Aaron hadn’t felt as good in a long time, he talked easily with this lad who he hadn’t known actually existed this time yesterday. Mad world.  
‘So better get heading to this game lad’  
‘Yeah, I want to get this’  
‘No need’  
‘No I owe you, please’. He did owe him, he owed him the feeling of being alive, of actually being able to maybe see something other than nothing on the horizon.

The Spanish inquisition from his mother had been minimal. She had whispered that he would be fine as he got into the taxi. Walking through the terminal was eerie, the sun shining through the windows almost blinding him. He saw a news report about the game, it looked strange and he couldn’t tell from the score who won. His phone vibrated in his pocket, ‘We lost so before I get plastered with the lads just wanted to say cheers for a nice night and morning breakfast, safe journey home and take care, Ro’. There were gentle men out there it seemed. His flight was being called and he rummaged in his bag for his passport. 

Sitting on the plane he closed his eyes and felt himself feeling his index finger again. Still at that he thought but now somehow he felt there was a heart back where there had only been an empty space for the last two months.


	6. People Always There To Remind Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron has two visitors to the Mill, leaving him with food for thought.

Chapter 6 People Always there to Remind Me 

The phone beeped with a message. Aaron glanced at it and saw it was from Ronan, ‘Man what has Klopp done buying that?’. About ten minutes later through various Whatsapp messages they had more or less compiled a shopping list of players the team would need for the season ahead. All good, all showing prospects and as Ronan put it ‘they would all while away the winter for us looking at more than their skill’. Aaron enjoyed the banter; it was the first time that he had communicated much with a lad he had been intimately friendly with on a one off. He half worried if there were mixed signals but so far it had been purely footie. A topic he had never ever discussed with Robert. 

The weekend had done him good. Seeing Liv and his Mum had helped. It had been nice just to kick back. The night out was good and while he would vehemently deny it the whole Ronan thing massaged his ego a bit. His phone beeped again. He wondered had Liverpool done something else but saw it was Ronnie to say he was on his way. 

It had been Robert’s idea that part of the Mill could be separated from the main house and used as a flat. His eyes had dazzled with the prospect of being able to make money. The work on it was complete, Aaron was pleased and had asked Ronnie over to give him the final payment.

oOo

‘Pleasure doing business with you son’ Ronnie smirked as he folded the cheque and placed it in his breast pocket.  
‘Likewise, fancy a brew or something stronger’  
‘Much as I’d like to say stronger I’ll go with tea. Early start in the morning and all that although I’m in no rush home. I swear Rebecca is being, well what they call hormonal’  
Aaron jolted a little and it was painfully obvious.  
‘Aaron, gosh I’m sorry lad, me and my stupid gob’  
‘It’s ok Ronnie, I know she’s expecting like’ he tried to smile, rather unsuccessfully.  
Aaron came back from the kitchen with two teas. He was becoming quite proficient at hosting.  
‘So how goes life at the Big House, then Ronnie. Just sometimes I feel almost out of place here, never mind there’, he checked himself, ‘no offence like, flippin heck I’m putting my foot in it now as well’  
‘Not at all mate. Yeah far cry from what I was used to I tell you. Honestly, I love Lawrence, his family, well that can be a different story’  
‘I bet’  
They both chuckled.  
‘So are you happy with the job then? It will be nice for your sister to come back to’  
‘I’m thrilled with it Ronnie. You and Adam did a class one job, no question’ he glanced around the room which like all the others had been utterly transformed since he and Liv had purchased it.  
‘Adam’s a good lad. Worked hard I can tell you. Robert was the taskmaster though. Right gaffer, this had to be perfect, that had to be perfect all for…’ he halted, Aaron was studiously examining the floor.  
‘Well all for you, I guess’  
‘Ironic eh?’  
‘Listen lad, I know I’m shooting off and making a right plonker of myself in the process but I may as well continue now. I’ve no skin in this game but I’ve been around the block a few times. I know what love is and I know what mistakes are. Sometimes the bigger picture means mistakes can be got over. Look at Lawrence and me, Zak and Lisa’  
‘I don’t know mate’, Aaron’s voice was subdued and matched his expression perfectly.  
‘Look, mate sorry I’m jabbering on’  
‘Must be age eh?’  
‘Cheeky, now any chance of a top up?’ 

oOo 

He had started watching Newsnight of all things recently. It was another prong of his drive to change himself a little and he wanted to see what was happening in the world even if it was somewhat boring at times. He was half paying attention and half thinking about what Ronnie had said. Some mistakes were just so big the picture was obliterated from view. The doorbell rang. ‘If that’s Pearl, I will lose the will’ he thought as he went to the door.

‘Dianne, late on you’  
‘I know love, sorry, I can come back tomorrow’  
‘No’, he sighed, ‘come in’.  
He was fond of his mother’s former business partner. She had been kind to him and was a good mate of Chas. Life had been tough for her at times but this lady had beaten cancer twice. Mind you she was step- mother to the Sugden brothers and Vic so all her battles may not be over. 

They were sitting at the kitchen table and he had once again made tea.  
‘It is a lovely home, Aaron, really it is. Chas will be so proud’  
‘Thanks Dianne, yeah I’m happy with how it has turned out’  
‘I won’t beat around the bush, he needs help’  
‘Dianne’, he knew this was the reason for her visit, he knew his Mum would probably do something similar.  
‘Listen, love. What he did was awful, unforgivable. I can’t expect you to care’, her voice was shaking and she knew she would soon start to cry. This was a bad time of year with Val’s death only two short years ago.  
‘He’s lost and alone Aaron. I honestly can’t think of anyone else who might be able to try, I’m really worried’  
Aaron could see she was in pieces. If it had been back in June he would have been showing her the door and probably regretting it too.  
‘Dianne’, he spoke softly, ‘I’m not sure I could do anything even if I wanted to’  
‘Just a chat. If he could just talk to you maybe he could start trying to move on. Maybe you both could. Pearl was saying….’  
‘Pearl says a lot’, he checked himself. There was no point in adding to her worries. ‘Look I’ll think about it, ok? No promises though’.  
She reached over the table, and placed her hand on top of his right forearm.  
‘You’re a good man Aaron, a really good man, I know you’ll do what you feel is right. I better be going, Doug is playing cards with Arthur, bless him’ 

oOo 

Sitting at the table with a small whiskey Aaron was looking through some papers and ruminating over his two nocturnal visitors. He was working through a CBT worksheet to trace his thoughts. Trying to convince himself that he said what he did to get rid of Dianne. Evidence against the thought, he chuckled, every ounce of feeling he had. No, he was not doing it again, he can’t take someone else’s problems on board. Rob isn’t some kind of stray puppy, he can figure things out himself. 

Later lying in bed, he looks at the usual selfie on the phone. Umm he thinks, maybe I can think of a way of helping him without actually having to do it myself. How? It was these kind of seemingly intractable problems Robert used to be good at.

Solving the problems with the Liverpool squad was easier than this.


	7. Helping Without Being Seen To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron stumbles on a way to help Robert but is left with some thinking to do.

Chapter Seven Helping Without Being Seen To

 

‘You going to be ok, mate?’  
‘Why wouldn’t I?’  
‘Well….’ Adam looked towards Rebecca sitting alone with a herbal tea.  
‘Adam, mate, you need to go to the appointment and focus on you and Vic, tell her I said hey, you guys should come over for tea soon’   
‘Sure, tomorrow ok, Robert’s aw… ,sugar sorry mate’  
‘Look, you can say his name you know’ he smiled ‘well while me Mum is in Dublin you can anyway’  
‘See you in a bit, yeah’  
‘Sure’

Aaron looked at his phone, August. Evenings were beginning to shorten a little. His phone beeped, a whatsapp from Ronan. He responded quickly. He was pretty sure this was just friend zone but made a mental note that he would need to chat to Sarah about it just to be certain.   
‘Brenda, I’ll have another brew and slice of cake’  
‘You’ll have to come up here for it’  
‘Self-service, why the hell not’ he grumbled as he walked to the counter. He paid and turned back. As he walked by her he wavered  
‘Mind if I join you?’  
She looked up with a start. Rebecca studied him for a second. She had liked him, thought he was a decent guy, hell she could see why Robert Sugden risked his moneyed life for him.   
‘Ok, be that way’  
‘No sorry, Aaron of course please’

He sat down, unsure why. Sarah talked about having to get comfortable with himself in tough situations. This was one, sitting opposite the woman who was carrying his husband’s, ex-husband’s child. He took a sip from his cup,  
‘So you off the caffeine then’  
‘Yeah bad for the baby, off drink as well but to be honest I could do with both’.   
She looked at him, he looked as lost and lonely as she felt. This was a mess. She had blamed Robert and still did but over the last few weeks had also realised that she had a part to play. Unlike the guy in front of her. Bile reached her throat as she thought of that day in May. Aaron, standing in the doorway, Robert completely crestfallen. She would never forget the image of the guy sitting opposite her, clinching his stomach, breathing heavily before turning and walking quickly out. 

‘Aaron, I’m not proud of how you heard everything.’  
‘Well, there would have been better ways for me, for Dianne and Vic too.’   
‘I know.’  
‘Hey you’re talking to the guy who wrote the book on speaking or acting first and thinking later. It’s what had me locked up when you and my ex had sex in my house’  
He hadn’t meant to be spiteful but it felt good. He looked at her, she winced and looked at the floor. Well at least, unlike her he wasn’t shouting it at the top of his voice. No, this wasn’t why he sat down. 

‘Look Rebecca, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be rude, well no I did but I shouldn’t have been’.   
‘Maybe I deserve it, we both do’  
‘He got his share in May, haven’t talked to him since.’  
‘What?’  
‘I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, that the least he owed me was to respect my wishes on that. For once the mighty Robert Sugden has done something he has been asked to’  
‘Wow, I’m surprised, I thought….’  
‘He loved me’ he wryly cleared his throat, ‘maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t but he is letting me get on with my life’. God, he had trashed that particular line out with Sarah often enough. It made sense but at times he wanted Robert to come knocking on the Mill begging to be taken back but be it pride or love that hadn’t happened. Slowly he realised what had made him sit down here. 

 

‘Rebecca, have you talked to him?’   
‘Who’  
‘You know flaming who’  
‘No, he made his view clear. I haven’t spoken to him since a few weeks after that night in the pub’  
‘You should’  
‘About what and why’  
‘About the fact that you are carrying his child and that he has some responsibility. To the child that will be born that is’   
‘Aaron, with all respect, I don’t see how this is any of your concern’  
‘I don’t care what you see. A child needs its parents. I know what it’s like not to have them around’  
‘It’s not that simple’  
He actually thought he was going to hit the table. She was unreasonable, she had chased Robert before Christmas and now she was resolutely refusing to talk to him.  
‘Rebecca, I know he was awful to you. Disgusting, horrible, a right ass. When he is afraid of losing everything that’s what he is like. He was afraid of losing me but that’s happened now so’  
‘So I should forget all he said, tried to get me to..’  
‘Look you’re a grown woman. You had equal responsibility, you decided to keep…..look that’s you’re business. Your baby deserves a Dad.   
‘Him? please’  
‘Yes, him. Rebecca don’t you see. He is broken, he needs a focus. The baby could be it. Robert Sugden knows what it is like to feel unwanted by a parent. He will not want his child feeling that’  
‘I owe him nothing’  
‘You owe your baby the chance of knowing both its parents’  
Rebecca got up and went to the toilet.

Aaron finished his coffee. This was it, from once Dianne had asked him he knew he would have to find a way to help and this was it. If she did this it might be enough to snap him out of the drinking long enough for Dianne and Vic to convince him he needed help. He was feeling ok again, looked at his watch, still time to leave an hour before his run. Reaching for his phone he opened the running app to choose his route, 5 miles probably enough this time.  
‘Why do you care’  
‘Like I said a child deserves to know their parents’  
‘Not about the baby, about him’  
‘I don’t’  
‘Come off it Aaron. Look I’ll talk to him but if I can be frank’  
‘Rebecca, I don’t need to hear about what you think, your child might need a father and the father of your child definitely needs to focus on something, ball is in your court. Now not being rude but I have to go’  
‘Aaron, I know’  
‘You know what’  
‘How hard it is to stop caring for him, I’ll see if I can talk to him about the baby’  
‘Good, but you’re wrong about it being hard not to care for him’  
‘No I’m not and you know that better than I do’ 

He looked after her as she left, realising what the next counselling session would probably be about.


	8. Running to a Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron goes for a run, thinks about things. Then he goes to a counselling session where things become a little clearer.

Chapter 8 Running to a Revelation 

About an hour after leaving the coffee shop Aaron was doing some warm up stretches outside the Mill. He checked his watch, and dialled the volume up a notch before heading off. All going well he would be back for the final loop around the village before dusk began to take hold. 

The music was on a random shuffle, truthfully he wasn’t listening but was just sorting through thoughts in his head. Sometimes he felt these runs were as good as the thought recording sheets he went through. He mind turned to Dublin and specifically the lad he had spent the night with. One night things were not new to him. He had met a few lads in France after Ed and he had split, although to be fair the language barrier was somewhat less in Dublin. There had been a few lads before Robert and of course then there was Finn. Yeah, he thought a little more easily, I still chat to Finn if I see him although mind you he could possibly be hard pushed to name Liverpool’s home ground not to mention discuss the relative merits of the team. Did he like Ronan? He was attracted to him for sure and he certainly liked the attention. Yet it wasn’t the same, not even the same as the early days with Robert.

He was on the track in the forest now, he could smell the freshness still although like in Dublin there was a bit of a chill and he made a mental note to look for some new skins in town over the weekend. Yeah, he thought Robert. He played the conversation with Dianne over in his head again. She was worried, the man he thought he would spend his life with was lost and alone. Well that was his own doing, Aaron was fairly lost as well, Robert had done a masterful job at ripping his heart out and stomping on it. That was the big picture as Ronnie might put it. No matter how many times Pearl told him about Rob’s nocturnal wanderings the facts were the facts. Robert betrayed him, and Rebecca was going to have his child as a result. Anyway, he had done what he could by trying to get her to talk to him about that. All Robert Sugden needed in life was a focus and that would help give it to him. 

His breathing was heavier than usual which might have been somewhat because of the thinking he was doing. Maybe these worksheets would be better, he thought to himself. Evening was closing in and he was turning the corner into the village when he almost came to a dead stop. There he was, no doubt about it, a shell of a man. He seemed the worse for wear, trying to get into Vic and Adam’s, unable it seemed to get the key in the door. It opened and he kind of half stumbled, half fell in. There would only be one reason for that, he looked at his watch, early to be that bad with drink, he thought. 

oOo 

Therapy was one of the few places where he could sit down and let rip. There was no judgement involved. He could lift a weight off his shoulders for the hour. He was sitting in the arm chair recounting his trip to Dublin without going into the graphic detail.  
‘You seem a bit embarassed’, Sarah smiled. There were some clients who still got a bit tongue twisted when intimacy made an appearance.   
‘Well, I don’t usually talk about those things’  
‘In my line of work Aaron, there’s very little I haven’t probably heard before’  
‘Well it’s not really what happened in Dublin that is the issue. It was good, very good maybe but we’ve been texting since’  
‘Ok, wondering about the distance?’  
‘The what?....oh no not texting like that. About football mostly. We’re both Pool fans and just going through the players bought and sold before it all starts up again’ he couldn’t hide his excitement about the start of the season when anything was possible.   
‘I just don’t want to lead him on in any way. I don’t know, it’s nice to have a mate to chat about the footie with, if that’s what you’d call him. I’ve never really been in contact with lads I hooked up with, if you now what I mean’   
‘Aaron, from what you say about this chap he is a confident, well-adjusted lad. Obviously has the gift of the gab, I’ve Irish cousins, lots of them have that. He seems to see this as a chance to chat about sport, nothing else I’d say. If that changes, well maybe then you can think about it’  
‘Umm I guess’  
At times he was almost like a child seeking assurance that he was doing right.  
‘You are not leading anyone on, at all’. 

He took a sip of water. Without thinking he began to fiddle with his index finger. Sarah remained silent, sensing there was something else on his mind. Aaron wasn’t sure he wanted to open the box marked Robert but felt he had to.  
‘Can I…can I talk about Robert for a bit?’  
‘Of course’.  
‘He is in a bad way. Dianne, his step-mum, is worried about him. He’s disinterested in work and money’ he tried to stop a chuckle ‘not like him. He is drinking, last night on my way home from a run I saw him practically fall into his sister’s house’  
‘I see. Sometimes the partner in Robert’s place can feel rather guilty’  
‘Yeah…I think he needs someone like you’.  
‘Go on’  
‘It’s not just this you see. Look I know he is probably feeling bad about ruining us’, he was nearly ready to give him that much, ‘but his history. My God, the man lost his real Mum before he could even remember her. He didn’t even tell me that. Then his Dad’s second wife, who he saw as a Mum, was burned to death in a barn fire, set by his step-brother.’  
For a moment, he faltered, was he betraying a confidence?  
‘This is still covered under you know confidentiality?’  
‘Absolutely’, she nodded.   
‘Ok, well then when he was fifteen his Dad found him in his room with a farm hand about to well you know. The man went psycho, fired the worker and leathered Rob. Like this man was real pillar of the community. Then a few years later something awful happens and his Dad tells him to leave and never come back’  
He was talking quickly now, almost re-living the various moments when Robert had recounted this to him. Always in a low tone of voice that only he ever heard.   
‘He was nineteen. Like a boy really. He never got over it. He needs…someone like you could really help him I think’, he was almost spun out.   
‘Yes, he probably would benefit, I could recommend…’  
‘The baby should know it has a Dad’ he blurted out ‘A Dad that cares. Me Mum and Paddy and half the village would probably say it would be better off not knowing but they’re wrong’  
Sarah was studying him intently. He was the picture of agitation. She wasn’t quite sure much had made him this animated.   
‘They’re wrong’, his voice was almost shrill, ‘Don’t get me wrong, he can be a right you know what. But he can be a good man too. He just needs someone to be good for’  
‘Like you’  
His face froze in a quizzical look with his eyebrow raised.  
‘Excuse me’  
‘Aaron’, she sat forward in the chair, ‘it’s alright to still care, to still care about him. You may still have feelings’  
‘I don’t’, he wanted to sound more certain than he could.   
‘Ok, but it is possible that you might and at some stage, if you would like to we could talk about that. Maybe you could possibly chat to him . I’m not saying you have to, but it might help him and more importantly, as far as we are concerned, it might help you’   
Aaron Dingle was left quite speechless.

oOo

That night he lay on his bed. He had thought of doing one of the thought processing forms, determined to come up with a long list of evidence to show he didn’t care. However deep down he knew he probably did. He cared that Robert had hurt him so much, he cared that he seemed determined to abandon a child before it was born, he cared that their future had been destroyed. Did he care about him though? He wasn’t sure but was beginning to think that as hard as it was to admit it maybe not caring about him was a bit more difficult than he would like.


	9. When September Comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert's spiral continues and it seems only one person is in a position to do something. Adam sends for that person.

Chapter 9 When September Comes 

Robert checked the time when he woke, just gone eleven. He stretched and shook himself. After a shower and getting dressed he sat on the bed, his head in his hands. For a brief few days a few weeks ago things had been slightly better. He had a spring in his step and had actually looked at the books with more than a glazed dis-interest. Then Aaron had come back from Dublin and as day slipped into day he realised that he obviously had no intention of making contact. Pearl, the silly old bat, he thought, was obviously well off the mark. Aaron didn’t care and truth be told he couldn’t blame him. 

The drinking had returned with a vengeance and it was getting worse. He even realised that it had to be a burden on his sister, especially the night that he couldn’t get the key in the door and ended up falling in on top of her. Vic had opened the door that evening and had helped him up the stairs and even helped undress him. It broke her heart to see him this way and it appalled her that he had brought it on himself. She knew that he had offered to financially help Rebecca with anything so at least he was not completely forgetting his duty. Sitting watching the TV that night she couldn’t get one image out of her head. Not her brother sprawled on the floor of the hall but the man that was looking on from across the road. He looked almost concerned, almost as if he was going to come over to help but he had just shook his head and ran on. 

oOo

It was Friday and Rob left the house early. To the casual observer he would have looked like someone who was in control as he drove off in the stylish car. Music blared form the stereo system as he passed the fields on his way to Hotton. The destination was the off-licence, he had grown sick of David’s concerned look when buying drink. Recently he had tried to cut down for Vic’s sake, she didn’t need more stress but she was away for the weekend and he needed it. Leaving the small market town he had no definite plan but for some reason the car seemed to almost take itself to the barn. 

It was a nice bright day, one of those lovely early autumn ones when there was still life in the air. The leaves were still green and birds were still chirping away. The barn was full, it had obviously been a successful time for the farmer and there appeared to be sufficient fodder here to last the winter. He smiled to himself. It appeared you could take the boy from the farm but not the farm from the boy. He sat on a hay bale, remembering the winter evenings and mornings he had spent with Aaron here, when he was still busy persuading himself that there was nothing meaningful between the two of them. Well, he had more or less assured that was the case now. He looked at the bottle for a minute. He had choices, he could go to the scrapyard and try to get stuck into the business, he’d be close to Aaron then with a legitimate reason. That might be a good choice but making good choices was not necessarily something he did that often.   
‘Screw it’, he mumbled to nobody in particular and uncorked the bottle, JD would be sufficient company today. 

Adam Barton loved Fridays, as the week drew to a close. The business was going well, he and Vic were doing ok and hopeful that things would work out. Even having Robert around was something he had got somewhat used to. The tunes were good on the radio and he was on his way back to the yard after lunch. He noticed Robert’s car outside a barn. For some reason he decided to check it out.   
Opening the door his heart skipped a beat  
‘Rob, Robert’ he shouted at the man’s body sprawled on the floor.  
He checked for a pulse relief spread from head to toe when he found a clear one in his brother in law’s wrist. He shook him to try to waken him. His efforts were unsuccessful so he went outside and came back with a half bucket of water. The ever-present prankster in him almost giggled as he splashed water on the face of the comatose man lying at his feet. 

‘Aaron, Aaron, wake up, you’re ok’, Robert screamed as he gasped for air. He looked frantically around him expecting to see himself and the man he loved trapped in a car at the bottom of a lake.   
‘It’s ok mate’, Adam reassured him as he helped him to the car.  
As Adam was closing the door he noticed that a bag had fallen out of Robert’s pocket. He picked it up and saw a box of paracetamol. His stomach lurched at the thoughts racing through his mind. As soon as he had Robert lying on the bed he texted Aaron saying he needed to see him that evening and to call over. Then he tried to figure out what he was going to say to his best mate.

 

oOo

‘What’s the emergency?’, Aaron asked as he came into the living room.  
‘Robert’  
‘Look mate, it’s been kind of a long week’  
‘Aaron, just take a seat for a few, ok?’  
Adam took a deep breath, he was not the best in these situations but he had to try.  
‘He made a mistake Aaron and when I found out I wanted to kill him, believe me. You know I’ve always got your back man. Just he still, he still, he still bloody loves you and he feels awful’  
‘You’d know I suppose’, Aaron said with a caustic tone.  
‘Yeah’, Adam nodded, ‘I would mate, I almost destroyed everything I had too and if Vic hadn’t taken me back I don’t honestly know where I’d be right now’  
‘It’s different’  
‘Not really mate, look I’m not the lad’s biggest fan but believe you me he still loves you and I know you still care. I’m not saying take him back, I’m just saying’ he hesitated and Aaron noticed.  
‘Mate, I found him earlier passed out with almost a bottle of whiskey gone. A box of paracetamol fell out of his pocket, he swears that it was just for a hangover headache but…. he’s a mess, a total mess and you won’t live with it if he does something stupid. Talk to him’.  
Aaron’s stomach tightened again. He knew this feeling but the reason was very different this time. He couldn’t bear the thoughts of something like that happening to Robert, he knew he couldn’t.   
Robert, looking decidedly worse for wear, appeared at the door. Aaron took one glance at him and didn’t have to think for much longer, he was about to speak but Robert got there first.  
‘Alright lads’, he took a breath and noticed the look of concern on Aaron’s face, ‘no need to ask what you two are talking about’.  
Aaron stood up.  
‘Get your jacket’  
‘This is my sister’s house Aaron and I’m welcome here, aren’t I Adam’ he was virtually pleading for agreement. His brother-in-law nodded.  
‘You’re coming to mine, I think we need to talk, you can sleep in the flat tonight’   
Robert studied Aaron closely. He felt he knew him better than anyone and could tell what he would do in virtually any situation but he hadn’t seen this coming.  
‘Ok, I’ll just grab it, it’s upstairs’ he said softly.  
Adam looked at his best mate, he too was taken by complete surprise.  
‘You sure?’  
‘No, not really’, Aaron shook his head and fiddled with his index finger. 

Robert walked about two paces behind Aaron the short distance from Vic’s to the Mill. By the time they got to the door Aaron had a half thought out plan of what to do.  
‘There’s the key to the flat, you know where the door is’  
‘I thought you said we were going to talk.’  
‘Yeah I did, but you still have a load of whiskey to sleep off, so get some kip and we will talk in the house in the morning’  
He didn’t say that he would need to go through some worksheets before talking, this was a conversation he would be prepared for.


	10. Time To Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert talk.

Chapter 10 Time to Talk 

Robert looked around the kitchen. It felt strange. He knew this place inside out, had been across the decisions about what it was going to be like, had even chosen the tiles on the wall. Yet he felt distinctly out of place, almost like having breakfast in a B and B with the proprietor looking you over intently. Aaron was slurping the last of his cereal noisily. Something made Robert think that it was for effect, to annoy him and he was correct in his thinking.

‘Not annoying you am I?’, Aaron asked, trying to sound innocent.  
‘No, no not at all’ Robert mumbled.  
‘Tell you what eh? Make that the last lie this morning shall we?’ Aaron said a little too sternly.  
‘I don’t know what I’m supposed to do’ Robert muttered; every morning since May he had hoped for a breakfast with Aaron but this was excruciating. He brought his used delph to the sink  
‘Do you use the dishwaher or just the sink?  
Aaron looked at him; it was obvious that this was tough for him and that he was trying to walk on eggshells.  
‘I think it’s time we had that chat Rob’ and he nodded towards the sitting room. 

Robert followed him in. He had been awake since five trying to figure out what he could say. He didn’t even know what this chat would be like, was it business or something else. He had not wanted to let himself hope that it could be about trying to salvage something of what they had.   
‘Aaron, I’m so so sorry. I hate myself for what I did, I always will. I thought that, I thought, you said I was no use to you. I was angry, I wanted to hurt you’  
‘So I go through a bad time in prison, go through hell in fact’ his voice was fast developing into a shout, ‘and poor little Robert has to go running to bed, our bed, with her’  
‘I didn’t know…’  
‘Didn’t know what, that you were having sex with someone. Well guess what? You were’  
‘I didn’t know what you were going through inside. You didn’t tell me until you were home’  
‘Oh I see. Yeah that’s right, do what you always do blame someone else for your grubby mistakes’, the words were almost spat in the direction of Robert.   
The Sugden lad started to cry, uncontrollably and he was shaking from head to foot. He sank into the couch and sobbed.  
‘No mate, I’m not, I know where the blame lies, all of it. It’s with me. I’m the one who destroyed things, I ruin everything I touch or come close to. They’re right you know, Chas, Paddy, Andy, me Dad I’m bad news, I must be’  
He used his sleeve to wipe away the tears from his eyes. He felt physically sick and exhausted.   
‘I’m sorry, I can’t say anything else. I…I miss you so much and Liv, you’ve no idea’  
‘It ripped my heart to shreds Robert’ Aaron knew he was going to cry but there was no point holding anything back now ‘I will never forget it. It was all my worst nightmares come true. Liv as well, she was in pieces. All our hopes gone, the nights I spent here alone when the plan was you’d be here with me, with us, our family, our home’  
‘I know’, it was said softly, almost a whimper. 

Aaron went to the kitchen and came for two glasses of water. When he came back Robert was sitting on the edge of the seat. Aaron paced around the room for a second or two.  
‘Have you been talking to Rebecca?’  
Robert looked up sharply.  
‘No, I have not. I haven’t talked to her since that night. You have to believe me. I want nothing to do with her, ever ever again’  
‘And the baby?’  
‘I sent a text. I said I would give money, meet my obligations that way. She told me where to stick it. But I’m going to put money aside for it’  
‘You think money solves everything, don’t you?’  
‘No’  
‘The baby will become a child who might like to know it has a Dad that gives a stuff’  
‘Believe me Aaron, any child would be better off with me as far away as possible from them and I’m sure everyone in this village would agree’  
‘Well I don’t’, he left his glass down on the table.  
‘We both know what it is like to feel abandoned by our parents and I can’t fathom why you would want that for your child’  
Both men looked at each other. The conversation seemed surreal to both of them.   
‘I’m a mess Aaron, no good to anyone and certainly not a child’  
‘Well, you may need to pull yourself together. You have to step up’  
Robert was crying again.   
‘I…I’m not able to be the kind of person that would do that without you…don’t get me wrong I’m not putting this on you’  
‘I know you’re not, you’re not thick’  
They both half smiled.   
‘Why are you being nice to me, I don’t deserve it’  
‘People are worried, Dianne, Vic Adam, he called me to go over yesterday’  
‘Yeah, about that. Look I know that he found tablets, they were for the headache that would come. I’ve got acquainted with hangovers the last few months’  
‘I see’  
‘I’m telling the truth Aaron, honest I am’, he was certain that he was. ‘Look I better go’  
‘Somewhere to be?’  
‘No, just you know’  
‘So you can walk by at 11 at night to check the lights are on but you are in a hurry now’  
Robert looked at him open mouthed.  
‘Pearl told me’  
‘Did she now? Good old Pearl, well she also told me that you still cared’  
Aaron wasn’t quite expecting that.  
‘So she is obviously deluded’  
Aaron glanced at him, he was different for sure, broken but there was still a little of that strutting attitude that had attracted him in the first place.   
‘Pearl may not be the brightest spark in the box but sometimes she sees things. Once told me she saw I was gay before I came out.’  
He took a breath, this was not necessarily what he had planned but somehow it felt right.  
‘Look Robert, I think Vic and Adam might need a bit of space, so why don’t you move into the flat’  
Robert was dumbfounded. He tried to supress a huge smile.  
‘I’ll pay rent’  
‘Too right you will, plush accommodation there mate, you should know. There are a few rules though’  
‘Sure, what are they?’  
‘You cut back on the drinking.’  
‘Yeah’  
‘You try to show an interest in your business, the scrap yard is fine but Jimmy and Nicola are making a right pig’s ear of the haulage’  
‘Right, I’ll be back Monday’  
‘And… ‘  
‘You need to step up’  
‘Oh’  
‘You are not going to repeat the mistakes of your Dad. Robert no matter what people say, no matter what I might say, there’s enough good in you to make you able for that. I think you might need to go to therapy but it’s not my place to tell you that’  
‘I wish it was’  
‘I’ve got to go, five a side in half an hour. Tea will be at about six’  
‘Huh?’  
‘You can have tea here with me, Paddy is away for the weekend so beats eating by myself’  
‘Can I bring anything?’  
‘Some ice-cream for dessert maybe?’  
‘Sure’

Aaron went upstairs and Robert went to bring his belongings to the flat. Both were uncertain about the road ahead but were secretly happy that it was different from the one they had been on all summer.


	11. Slowly Sorting Through Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The owner and lodger begin to travel a new road.

Chapter 11 Slowly Sorting Through Things

The flat was nice, well he did have a say in everything that went into it so it could hardly be any other way. After the first weekend he was sure he would be pretty much on his own here. That was an inaccurate assumption. Without planning from either party they would have tea together more often than not during the week. He had been surprised when Aaron left a key on the table for him  
‘What’s this?’ he had asked  
‘Looks like a key, thought you could get tea ready the odd evening’.  
He had tried to come up with a term that would describe their arrangement but had failed. Whatever it was it served him well he thought. He had taken an interest in business again and was able to get a few new deals that increased revenue. 

One evening, about a fortnight after moving into the flat, he was about to leave after eating when Aaron suddenly spoke  
‘There’s a good series starting tonight, if you want to stay a bit longer to catch it?’  
‘Yeah, if you’re sure?’  
‘Good, come on then’  
They took separate chairs, and Aaron turned on the TV. The programme was a good start to the series and both enjoyed it. They found themselves discussing it animatedly during the adverts.  
‘I’m really enjoying this, it’s like old times’, Robert had said it before he thought. Aaron glanced over, he had noticed that Rob had been more relaxed than he had seen him since he had moved into the flat.  
‘Old times are a long time ago, but yeah, it’s been nice’.   
There was silence for a few minutes. Both lads were thinking that this would have been their life had things not gone the way they did. Robert was feeling intent guilt for that, so much so he was about to go.  
‘I’ve been thinking’ Aaron said while rubbing the back of his head. Robert knew that this was a sign that whatever he had been thinking about was a while in gestation.  
‘Go on’  
‘I think you should talk to Dianne…about your Dad’  
Robert sat upright in the chair. Aaron could read the signs as well and knew this meant he didn’t think it was a good idea.   
‘Hear me out, you’ve got issues Rob. Lots of them, in fact. From what I can see a lot of them stem from your Dad, what happened that day he found you, and when you had to leave’  
Robert was silent. He knew Aaron was speaking the truth but couldn’t see what talking to Dianne would achieve. He didn’t want to sully her view of his father.   
‘Look mate I know all that but talking to Dianne it would just…’  
‘Make things easier, look it’s not really my place to say anymore I know but I think it would be a help’  
Robert muttered something.  
‘What was that?’  
‘I said I’ll think about it’, what he didn’t say was that he would walk on red coals if he thought it would get them to a place where it would be Aaron’s place to say those things again. 

oOo

Dianne had been bemused by Robert’s new living arrangements. She would never quite figure that lad out. Of the three Sugdens he was the one she had been around least. Yet she always had a fondness for him and above all wanted him to be happy.  
‘Nice to have your own space Robert’  
‘Yeah, Adam and Vic needed their house back too, it’s been very good of Aaron to let me stay here’  
‘Yes, it has. Is there any hope pet, do you think?’  
‘I doubt it Dianne, I really do. I’d do anything but I can’t expect him to want it. We are getting on though so that’s good’.  
Robert was on edge. He had thought about what Aaron had said and decided it might be a good idea. Aaron was away for the evening and he decided to take advantage of it. Now he wasn’t sure how to say it.  
‘Dianne, I want to talk about Dad’  
‘Go on pet’, she knew this wouldn’t be good. Their relationship had been tough.  
‘I never felt I was the son he wanted. I always felt I was a disappointment to him. Always’, years of hurt were welling up inside him again.   
‘I’m sure you were not. Ye had tough times for sure but that letter he wrote near the end he hoped you would come back. He’d be proud of the fact that you could be yourself at last’  
‘No, he wouldn’t’  
‘He would pet, I’m sure’  
‘Dianne, he knew. He caught me and a lad that worked for us when I was 15. He went berserk. Sacked him, bet me. Let on it was because I was skiving but I knew, I always knew’   
His step-mother was shocked. She had no idea. She looked across the table and instead of seeing a man in his early thirties she saw a fifteen year old boy who felt all alone in the world. She got up and hugged him as he sobbed into her shoulder. 

After a few minutes he calmed down.  
‘What would he think now?’ he asked.  
‘He’d have come around’  
He gave her a dis-believing look.  
‘He would, I’d have bloody made him’   
He didn’t doubt that she would have done all in her power.  
‘Pet, your Dad loved you. He did, I know it broke his heart the way things worked out when he made you leave. I don’t think he ever got over it. Now I realise he carried more guilt than I knew’  
‘What would he have made of this mess?’, Robert shook his head.   
‘He knew how to be unfaithful Robert. He’d want you to do right by the child.  
‘I will try’  
‘And to see if you and Aaron could work this out’  
‘You think?’, his tone suggested complete disagreement.  
‘Yes I do. He would have wanted the best for you. He would have seen, the way I have, the way Vic has, the way Andy did that being with Aaron is what is best for you pet and what’s more it is what is best for him as well’

oOo

Aaron came down stairs from the shower. The five a side had been fairly rough going. Robert was sitting in the sitting room with a glass of water. Aaron knew he hadn’t touched much drink in the time he had been in the flat. He also knew that he had indicated to Rebecca that he would like to have something to do with the child when it was born. Aaron was happy about that. He had discussed it with Sarah and was certain that it was the right thing to do. Sarah had asked him what he would have to do and he made it clear that the current arrangements were not a lead into anything else. He had sounded rather convincing. 

‘Your phone has been beeping constantly, popular guy’  
‘Emails, alerts and oh…’  
Robert looked up and tried to give an impression of disinterest. He noticed a querulous look on Aaron’s face and knew that he was trying to make his mind up about something.  
‘Something up?’, he asked. Had Aaron not been lost in thought he would have noted the half -hearted attempt at nonchalance.  
‘Just um….there’s a message there from a lad I met that time I was in Dublin, Ronan’  
Robert felt physically sick. He knew that the beads of sweat now forming on his forehead must be visible. This was one of the most awful feelings he ever had. Hot on its heels was a guilt that he had subjected Aaron to this exact feeling. For an awful moment he thought he was going to vomit.   
‘I was, I am single Rob’  
‘I know..um are you, are you going to meet him again?’  
‘He’s in Ireland. He’s a Liverpool fan too, we mostly chat about footie’  
Liverpool fan, Robert thought. Of course he is. He wondered how much of a fan he would be by the time he was finished with him. Well this guy could Klopp off. Naturally none of this was said, rather he meekly answered  
‘I see…well I better be off, I left a sandwich there in the kitchen for you’  
‘Cheers….Robert’  
‘Yeah’  
‘It was just him, you know not that I’ve to explain myself ‘  
‘Of course you don’t, sorry’.

It took a while for both of them to sleep that night, the first time that had happened since Robert had moved into the flat. Robert was uncertain about a lot of things but sure about the rage that went through him at the thoughts of Aaron and anybody else. Aaron, too was unsure but he was certain that Robert was hurt and that he was not in any way happy about that. Wow, he thought to himself, it may soon be impossible to deny that he still cared about the lodger in the flat.


	12. October Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October Surprises for people.

Chapter 12 October Surprises 

The weather was mild for October and Aaron was enjoying his running. He felt that he had to make the best of the evening treks through the wooded area he preferred. Soon it would be too dark and he would have to take to the outdoor track the far side of Rochdale. Returning to the house one evening he almost knocked Pearl down in the gateway.  
‘I was over with some buns, love’  
‘Ah, thanks Pearl, you seem determined to undo all my good work’, he said as he struck what he assumed was a pose.  
‘I saw you on your way out but thought Robert might be able to let me in’  
‘He’s probably in the flat, that’s where he is staying’  
‘Oh, I thought he might have been in the house now, just I notice he calls over most evenings’  
‘Yeah, that’d be spot on there’  
Pearl was waiting for an invite in but she would be waiting a while this evening, eventually she mumbled something about Bingo in the hall and left. Aaron went into the house quickly, it was his turn to cook.

While preparing dinner his mind wandered over the last month. Back in May he had been sincere when he told Robert not to contact him. In reality the fact that his ex had respected his wishes surprised him. Over the weeks since the move into the flat there were a few things that had surprised him about Robert. The brash confidence of old had been replaced with humility. There had always been a softer side to him in their relationship but now it extended to other people. He had seen it in his dealings with Jimmy and Nicola. He couldn’t quite fathom the reason, not realising that Robert was a man who had been staring into an abyss for a long time and still wasn’t quite certain he wouldn’t end up there. 

Another thing that had surprised him was the openness that Robert displayed about everything. He had tried to be relaxed about it but Aaron reckoned that he had never contacted Rebecca about things to do with the expected baby without telling him first. This was very different from the kind of behaviour that had been going on in the early part of the year and indeed before. Rebecca had begun to see Ross again and the pair were quite public about it in the village. Aaron had been the first to see it in the coffee shop. He observed Robert’s reaction keenly. The man had been cool as a cucumber, barely drawing breath before asking if he could have more brown sauce with his dinner. This too had surprised him and was a welcome contrast to the way he had reacted when Chrissie and Andy had become an item over a year ago. 

Robert hadn’t been the only one to change. Aaron, himself, was a lot calmer. He was as content in himself as he ever had been. Sarah had noticed it in the sessions and mentioned it. She asked him to think about why it might be the case. There were lots of reasons; work was going well, Chas and Liv would be back soon and of course the fact that he was on much better terms with Robert now. Truth was he was enjoying having him around more and liked their evening meals and nights watching the TV. He also liked the fact that Robert was more at ease with himself and knew that he was probably part of the reason for that.   
oOo

It was almost eight when he heard the door open. Again, unusually, there had been three texts to say he would be late.  
‘Aaron, I’m so sorry, bloody meeting ran over but good thing is we got the contract, might even have to get an extra driver or two’.  
He was flustered and rummaging through his satchel. Soon he had spread the contracts out on the kitchen table. Aaron took a second or two to fully comprehend what was happening.   
‘Robert, I believe you, don’t worry’  
‘You do?’  
There was no response but just a gentle nod of the head. Relief oozed through Robert and the same feeling was hitting Aaron as well.  
‘Tell you what, why don’t we head to the Woolpack, probably make last orders for a bite?’  
‘Yeah sure, what will your cousin think though?’  
‘That we are ordering food’

This was kind of a big deal and they both knew it. It was the first time they would have gone to the pub together since May. They took the table over by the bar and perused the menus that had not changed much. Charity came in from the back room and just couldn’t believer her luck, it had been a boring enough evening.   
‘Gents, what can I get ye’  
She took the order and went to the bar. Robert was relieved, he had expected a comment. Aaron knew his cousin better than that.  
‘So, here’s the drinks lads’, she lay them on the table carefully, ‘I tell you what Robert, you’ve been such a stranger here recently I was sure you must have been saving, being a Daddy aint cheap’  
Robert blushed and his stomach clenched. He had thought she might refrain but that was daft, this was Charity Dingle after all. He studied his pint.  
‘Charity. Do one’, Aaron said gently but firmly.  
‘Charming’  
‘Any time’  
‘Thanks’, muttered Rob, ‘sorry’  
Aaron smiled.  
‘Nothing to thank me for, customer service is not her strong point’.   
The two young men ate quietly and had another drink before heading back. Charity grinned as they went out the door. It’s going to happen she thought to herself, and when Chas finds out I’m going to have ringside seats. 

oOo

It was a Tuesday evening and dusk had come early. Robert was over doing some computer stuff for Dianne and Aaron was half paying attention to the sports news on Sky. The doorbell rang.  
‘Surprise’  
‘Double surprise’  
‘You never said…’  
‘Wouldn’t be a flaming surprise then would it?’ Chas retorted.  
Liv ran by him to inspect the house that she had a direct share in. She was beside herself with excitement. The grand tour took about fifteen minutes and he took pleasure in the obvious delight shared by the two most important females in his life. He could see Chas’s pride and knew that there were times, plenty of them, when his mother would never have thought that this day would come.

‘Love I’m chuffed, really I am for you both’ Chas said as she took in the sitting room.  
He coyly looked at the ground while Liv beamed from ear to ear. The front door opened and before Aaron could say anything Robert was stood in the door of the room.  
‘What is he doing here?’ Chas all but screamed.  
‘Liv, you’re back’, Robert had a smile that matched Liv’s. He was delighted to see her.  
‘Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on. I know he’s in the flaming flat, that’s bad enough but he’, she pointed at the offender, ‘has just walked into this house. So again what the hell is Mr Shifty doing here.’  
‘Maybe I should go’, Robert said meekly as he turned to walk out.  
‘Preferably out of the flipping village’ Chas barked as he left.   
‘He lives in the flat, pays rent’, Aaron said calmly.  
‘I know that love, madness and all as it is, but why did he just saunter in here?’  
‘For his tea. We eat together some evenings, watch TV, normal stuff for mates.’  
‘Mates? Have you lost your mind?’  
‘No, he nearly lost his, he needed this’  
‘He broke your heart’  
‘I know that Mum’, he approached her, ‘look, I can only say I’m not being stupid, we’re mates. That’s all’  
‘Where did I hear that before?’  
‘Yeah well, it is as it is. I’m not turfing him out. Trust me ok?’  
‘It’s him I don’t trust’, she was exasperated. She didn’t say any more but in her heart she knew what was likely to happen next. 

oOo

Over the next few days Liv began to realise it too but she didn’t share Chas’s dread. She saw the signs, the jokes between them, the odd glance one to the other when they thought nobody was looking. The conversations between them in the evenings. The two pronged attack about her homework although Robert was always careful not to say too much. Liv noticed all this but instead of being worried or annoyed she was filled with a hope that despite all that had happened they would be the family she wanted them to be in their new home.


	13. The Decisive Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the anniversary of a significant event and all it takes for a decision to be made is a moment.

Chapter 13 The Decisive Moment

Liv was still a teenage girl but she was a more mature version of the one that had been around in the Spring. Aaron had ensured she returned to the school and she had settled in. Her form had improved when Gabby had returned and the two girls, who had been through so much, became firm friends once again. She had taken to asking Robert for help with Maths in particular and he was always willing to do what he could. She knew she was willing to forgive him from the obvious concern he had for her brother in August. Pearl had, rather helpfully, spared little of the detail of Robert’s bad times and she was impressed that Aaron had been instrumental in his improved state. 

A casual observer, and Liv was much more than casual in her observations, would have noticed that Robert was still a little awkward in the house. He never went up stairs, preferring to use the toilet in the utility when needed. He was the one who decided it was time for him to go to the flat in the evening, always said with a forlorn look around the room before exiting. 

Liv’s brother had noticed this too and it was beginning to irritate him slightly. He was enjoying Robert being there and since Liv’s return he was enjoying the three of them being together even more.   
‘Does he just want this now do you think?’, he asked Sarah in one session.  
‘I think he appears to be respecting the boundary, if you don’t want that boundary there anymore then you will need to be the one to remove it’.   
Aaron didn’t know for certain but the reality was that Robert was only waiting for an indication that the boundary could be removed; he would remove every block of it with his bare hands if that’s what it took. 

oOo

Emma Barton had found God, or rather God’s vehicle had found her earlier in the year. Now she had all the zeal of the convert and was determined that the anniversary of James’s death should be marked by a religious service. She also wanted all those who had been impacted by the awful events of that day to be there as well. That numbered quite a few villagers. 

Aaron and Robert had accepted the invitation or summons and had decided they would go together. That morning both woke early. The date marked more than James’s death for them. When Aaron was dressed he opened the bottom drawer of his bedside locker. In the bottom right was a small box. He reached in, took the box and opened it. Inside was a possession that he treasured at one time, it had represented a future full of bright prospects. He sat on the edge of his bed and gently placed the ring in the palm of his left hand.

In the flat Robert was dressed from his waist down. He carefully took the chain from his locker and clasped it around his neck. On the chain was the comrade of the ring Aaron had in the palm of his hand. Robert wore it constantly. He looked into the mirror and asked himself what he asked every day; ‘Why?’  
They met at the church as Pearl had had an emergency with her washing machine and Aaron was her designated handy man. Robert was waiting just outside having survived the look that Chas had given him. As Aaron approached he noticed Robert, his hands in the pockets of his black leather jacket, maroon cardigan, floral shirt and jeans. Robert noticed Aaron, black jeans, white shirt and jacket with the usual confident, purposeful walk. They went in each entertaining thoughts that were most unsuited to a church.

 

oOo

Food was available in the pub after and Marlon had made his usual fine effort. Vic and Adam sat beside her brother and his best friend; Liv had joined them after school. The youngest of the Sugden siblings hoped that she hadn’t been imagining things but now sitting opposite the pair she felt that the spark was being re-ignited. She had said as much to Adam who told her they had to stay out of it although he was hoping that Aaron would do for Robert what Vic had for him in a similar situation. 

‘I’ll get them in’, Robert said and braved the service at the bar from Chas. He wanted to show her that he would take what she had to give to him. he had before.  
‘Go on then and good luck’, Aaron winked at him.  
Vic looked at Adam and nudged him. Aaron and Liv both pretended they hadn’t noticed. Robert returned from the bar. Chas was watching him he had been informed and would keep watching him. He knew that, he hadn’t answered her but he respected where she was coming from.  
‘You survived’, Liv said.  
‘Yeah just about, look I haven’t forgot about those Maths, we’ll take a look at them when we get back’  
‘Not this evening we won’t, I’m off with Gabby and her Mum to some posh hotel for the night’  
‘Don’t look at me’, Aaron said, ‘Bernice was insistent, it’s the anniversary of Dotty’s christening and that’s the reason for this’  
Robert put his glass on the table.  
‘It’s a school night’  
‘OOOh look who’s all parental’, Vic said before she thought.  
‘I’m not’ Robert replied and he could feel the blush all across his face. 

Rebecca White sat close by with Ross. She was noticing the interaction at the table and could see what was going to happen, she hoped she was right. As they approached her table on their way out Aaron nudged Robert.  
‘Umm, the next scan, umm if you need a lift or something let me know’ he stammered. Aaron had come up with this idea but he was reluctant.   
‘Got it covered mate’, Ross answered quickly.  
‘You can come too if you would like?’ Rebecca said quietly.  
‘He will do’, Aaron answered looking directly at Ross.   
Aaron put his hand on Robert’s shoulder and they both walked out. 

Once they got to the Mill Aaron ran up stairs to the bathroom. Before returning he went into the bedroom and looked at he ring again and the photograph of their wedding day. He had brought it into a drawer in this room eventually. Downstairs, in the kitchen, Robert was standing at the sink looking at a photograph from the same day on his phone and feeling the ring inside his shirt. They were both thinking of this day one year ago as water encased the car and Aaron had been trapped. Rob knew that day that there was no way he was going to leave the man he loved. Aaron knew that was what Robert had been thinking and attempted in vain to get him to leave. Both shuddered at the thought. 

Soon Aaron stood at the door of the kitchen. Robert felt his presence and turned to face him, trying to wipe the tears from his eyes.   
‘It’s alright’  
‘It’s not, you know the day it is. This day last year I nearly lost you, but it was also the happiest day of my life. Now I have lost you, I’ve lost everything’, the pain was etched on every inch of his face.  
Aaron knew what he wanted, knew what he was ready to do and knew that only he could do it. His certainty increased with each and every quickening beat of his heart. He walked over to Robert whose facial expression flickered from surprise to hope. Aaron leant in and they kissed, uncertainly at first like teenagers, but then passionately melting into one another.  
‘Come on’ whispered Aaron.  
‘Where?’  
‘Upstairs’

At the door of the bedroom Robert faltered. Aaron immediately knew why.  
‘Do I have to do one of my tricks to get you in here’, he asked with an arched eyebrow, ‘look, I got rid of the bed, come on’.  
Robert looked at him, a mixture of relief, love and desire battled for prominence in his being. He followed the man he loved into the room. 

oOo 

Robert woke and had to think for a minute about where he was. He smiled but this soon vanished when he saw that Aaron wasn’t there with him. Panic entered him almost as if by osmosis. He didn’t hear the man approach the door.  
‘Awake, I see, I’ve got my run in and breakfast is almost ready’, Aaron turned and went downstairs again.

‘I see you’ve finally got some taste in shower gel’ Robert remarked on entering the kitchen.  
‘Yeah’, Aaron smiled. He had used them through the whole summer for much the same reason he had brought them to prison.   
‘Look Aaron’, Robert was nervous but felt he had to say it, ‘I understand if you think last night was a mistake’.  
‘It was perfect. Not a mistake’  
They looked at each other for a few seconds before Aaron reached into his pocket and took out the ring.  
‘I think it’s time I had something on this finger to fiddle with again…come here’  
Robert walked over, tears in his eyes, heart ready to explode.   
‘Can I?’  
Aaron nodded. Shaking Robert placed the ring on Aaron’s finger. Robert unclasped the chain from around his neck and allowed his ring slide into Aaron’s waiting hand who then gently put it on his husband’s finger. They inclined their heads together, noses touching, the early winter sunlight catching them in profile.  
‘I love you’, Robert whispered.  
‘Good, because I love you too’  
‘What now?’  
‘Well I don’t know about you but after breakfast I think a few more hours in bed are called for’.  
Robert showed no reluctance about entering the room this time.


	14. November Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert together again, chats to important people, chance encounter, new arrival and looking forward to a special time of year.

Chapter 14 November Rain 

November brought dark evenings, cool temperatures and rain. It seemed to bring lots of rain in particular. However inside the doors of Mill Cottage it brought a sense of contentment that had hardly seemed possible a few short months ago. Robert had moved his belongings from the flat into the house with eager assistance from Liv and Aaron. She had a casting vote in the photographs that were to be placed around the house and each new one attached to the wall told the story of a family that was put together again and a house that was fast becoming a home. She had even asked Victoria for one of Robert’s parents and one of his father and Dianne which had touched him a lot. 

The pictures of the various family members gave Liv an idea.  
‘We should have them over, Chas, Paddy, Dianne, Vic, all of them’  
Robert spluttered and spilled most of the gulp of tea he had in his mouth onto the table.  
‘They’re going to have to get used to this sooner rather than later’ she said in the matter of fact way that made things sound a lot easier than they were.  
The fact was that Robert had avoided the pub since he and Aaron had got back together and even Aaron had suggested it be best to leave things for a while. That, Robert assumed, meant that approaching Chas could bring mortal danger on his doorstep. He understood where she was coming from completely but felt he should take a chance. His husband was feeling the same about approaching Paddy and both decided they would try.

oOo

Paddy had found out from Pearl before Aaron had a chance to tell him, he did not share in her delight at the turn of events.  
‘Aaron you’re a grown man but I can’t pretend that I’m happy with what he did and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt’.  
‘I know that and I really appreciated it and so did he. You saw what he was like when I was inside, he even let you take his place on a visit’  
‘Yes Aaron and he went through a tough time, no question. So did you, so did I, Liv, your Mum but he was the only one, the only one that deemed it necessary to jump into bed with Rebecca flippin White’  
‘Look Paddy, I love him and he loves me. He has apologised and made amends and at the end of the day I’m the one who made the decision’  
‘And how are you going to cope when the baby is born knowing it’s his’  
‘I’ll ask you for tips…Leo’  
Paddy knew when he was defeated and said little else. Besides he was not blind. He had seen the signs from when Robert moved into the flat. He had seen how Robert was when Aaron was away and he knew how moments of weakness can happen. At least, he thought, it had only been one with Sugden.  
‘Paddy, I’m not going to fall out with you. One day I hope you will be happy for us all I can say is surely you can see that Rhona would have been better off giving you and her another go’.  
Aaron Dingle may not have been educated to the highest level possible but sometimes his logic was impregnable.  
oOo

Robert took a deep breath before going into the Woolpack.  
‘Can we talk?’  
‘No’ came the curt reply from Chas.  
‘Please, in the back room maybe?’  
‘Ok…five minutes’, she said her tone matching her icy demeanour.  
‘Can I come watch?’, Charity asked with a smirk.  
The look she received from both of them spoke a thousand words.

‘I love him’  
‘Yeah and I thought plenty loved me in my time, more fool bloody me’  
‘It was a mistake’  
‘You reckon? And tell me Robert how do you think he will cope when this mistake has a burbling baby representing it eh?’  
‘I worry about that all the time Chas. I won’t do anything that he doesn’t want me to. I’m going to try to be as good a Dad as I can be, better because of him by the way. But I will not do anything he doesn’t want me to.’  
‘You always talked a good game, Robert, I’ll give you that’  
‘I mean it Chas. I love him, he’s everything, the only thing. I’m going to show him that every day for the rest of my life.’  
Chas looked at him, there was something almost pitiful about him.  
‘I can’t stop him but I’ll not be joining any queue to give you another chance’  
‘I know’, he said softly, ‘and I regret that more than you can know’.  
He turned and walked out of the room. She looked briefly at the wedding photograph on the sideboard not wanting to accept that a part of her regretted it too. 

oOo

Every year since his return Robert had visited the graveyard on the anniversary of his mother’s death. This year he did so alone in the early morning mist and laid a simple bouquet on the grave. He bowed his head and thought about her and what she would have made of him, hoping that she would see he was trying to be a better person. His mind turned to Andy and smiled at the idea that he was actually missing his brother.  
‘It’s nice and quiet in the morning Robert’  
He turned, startled.  
‘Laurel, I didn’t see you there, sorry. It is yes, I should come more often really’  
‘I come every day’, she said softly.  
‘Of course, of course, he was a lovely man’, Robert wasn’t particularly religious but Ashley had always been a good person.  
‘I’m glad you and Aaron are back on track’  
‘Thanks’, he smiled, ‘honestly though I’m not sure I deserve the chance he has given me’.  
Laurel reached out and rubbed his upper arm.  
‘Aaron is a good man Robert’  
‘Yes he is’  
‘I know him better than I know you, I’m not drawing a comparison. He is a good man and he has forgiven you and taken you back, just like Ashley did with me. He thinks you deserve it and believe me that’s enough. Grab every day you have together’  
She tapped him on the shoulder and walked quietly off. He watched her go and looked around the graveyard. So much tragedy lay here, including his mother. He bowed his head for a second and then left; lifted by the gentle words of a grieving widow and mother. 

oOo

Aaron was determined that Robert would show he was available to be a good father. He had no idea why but that was important. His husband wanted to be but above all else wanted to be sure that Aaron was consulted. He hardly ever contacted Rebecca and always talked to Aaron before replying to any message. He attended the scans but insisted that Aaron be there too. Aaron drew the line firmly at the actual room and waited in the corridor. He did not like Rebecca but he no longer hated or feared her. He no longer saw her as a threat, again he could not reason why that was the case but every time he saw Robert’s interaction with her showed that nothing would ever happen again. 

The baby must have been as impatient as her father as she was born early just as November was giving way to December and Liv was planning the decorations of the Mill. The call, courtesy of Chrissie, came after the event but Robert was secretly relieved. He was not going to subject Aaron to him being there and Rebecca had made it clear he would not be needed. They both visited that evening. 

‘She’s a White’ Rebecca said as Robert looked in at his daughter.  
Aaron smiled and rubbed Robert on the back as he gently stroked the girl’s cheek. Ross soon arrived and shortly after that the husbands decided they would take their leave. Ross accompanied them to the shop.  
‘You know Suggers, I’m going to be a great influence on that girl’s life’  
Robert bristled slightly and Aaron could feel it.  
‘Tell you what Ross’ the Dingle man said, ‘why don’t you focus on getting us our two and a half grand. Rebecca, bless her, thinks you’ve paid it back apparently and we know different. No I don’t know much about these things but I reckon women might be a bit emotional after giving birth so step to it’  
Ross looked slightly dumbfounded as the pair walked towards the exit.  
‘I love when you go all Dingle’ Robert said once they were out of earshot. 

oOo 

A couple of evenings later Aaron walked into the sitting room to see Robert looking vacantly into the burning fire. On the mantle piece was the result of Liv’s decorating and a big tree lit the room from the corner.  
‘A penny for them’ he said as he sprawled on the couch with his arm around his husband’s waist.  
‘I don’t know, I just don’t know. Look how can it be good for a child to be in this kind of situation.’  
Aaron gently caressed him trying to offer reassurance.  
‘And us, like can we make it through this, I wouldn’t blame you if you were having second thoughts’  
‘Get that out of your head, everything will be fine. We will be fine and she will be. I was reading an article in ‘The Guardian’ about blended families and let me tell you with a gay step dad, a bi sexual dad who are married, a gay grand dad and his male partner this girl is virtually a poster child for the twenty first century family mate’  
Robert laughed loudly. Aaron looked at him quizzically because his aim had not being humour.  
‘When did you start reading ‘The Guardian’  
‘Well Mr Dingle I saw that article in Sarah’s waiting room but I happen to have the app on my phone, good to broaden this’ he said pointing to his head. 

Robert took out his phone.  
‘I’ve to send Rebecca a text, ok?’  
‘Sure, about what?’  
‘Well, apparently I get to choose a godfather and I want to let her know who’  
‘Bit early for that but who have you in mind’  
‘You…who else? Idiot’.  
They cuddled together on the couch sipping their small glasses of whiskey believing that the foundations of their family were strong and stable heading into their first festive season in their home.


	15. A Winter's Tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Day and people gather at the Mill.

A Winter’s Tale

Robert woke and looked over at his phone, a picture of the most important people in his life looked back at him and told him that it was almost 8.00. He stretched across to an empty place where his husband should have been before hearing someone coming up the stairs  
‘Rob, lazybones it’s time to get up’ a sweaty looking Aaron went over to open the curtains. Boy his husband looked good in running gear and now he didn’t need to worry about the runs, they were short, a few times a week and a part of what he was working on in counselling.   
‘Yeah…I know what time is your Mum due?’  
‘Said about one and Paddy will be with her…. Come on Liv is cooking up a storm, did you firm up with…’  
‘Yeah about quarter past’, Rob had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He was looking forward to this day, their first Christmas in their home so much but it was the first time everyone would be together. 

Walking into the kitchen Robert observed his husband and sister in law studying a cookbook. He smiled, and for the hundredth time pinched himself. If anyone had told him they’d be here, well specifically he’d be here, back in the summer he would have either cried or laughed.   
‘There are sprouts to be washed, make yourself useful’  
‘Cheers Liv, Merry Christmas to you too’  
‘Oh yeah thanks, same to you….I guess’. She turned and smiled, a smile that suggested them being here together was her dearest Christmas wish.

‘Presents time’ Rob said as Aaron slurped the last of the milk from the cereal bowl.   
‘Now?’  
‘Yeah now, just after breakfast, it’s what we always did’  
‘Well ok’ Aaron warmed inwardly, this was Robert all over wanting things to be perfect, ironically enough they were usually messy but today had to be a perfect day according to him.

The tree was massive and beautifully decorated. Robert was hunched over taking the presents out.  
‘Liv, this is yours……Mr Sugden this is for you’   
‘Robert, you shouldn’t have, actually no I’m worth it’ chuckled Liv as she examined the gift.  
‘As are you and not a word about it’ Rob said in the direction of Aaron. His husband smiled back and winked. 

oOo

‘Rob, get that will ya?’. He walked to the door and his stomach churned. Come on Sugden you can do this, he thought.  
‘Merry Christmas’ he smiled ‘You’ve come with supplies I see’  
‘I’m going to need every drop aren’t I’ replied his mother in law in the style that said you didn’t argue, just nodded.  
‘Paddy, thanks for coming, it means a….’  
‘I’m here for Aaron, he needs the people who love him and won’t let him down here today’  
Robert followed into the kitchen, really needing some of what Chas had brought.  
‘Surely your husband could help love’ Chas said while looking at Robert as if he had blown in from a cattle shed.   
‘Mum, you promised’  
‘Aye, I promised…..here’s your present’ She looked at her son in law and almost felt sorry for him. He looked flustered, and was obviously busy all morning but her son was more charitable than she would be. Paddy looked on and saw as Aaron and Robert consulted the cookbook. The gentle touch on each other’s hand was heart warming. He didn’t like Robert but saw that Aaron was happy. His husband was desperately doing everything to make him so, had been since September and now he was trying to do the right thing by…….

‘Blimey, that bell aint half loud’ Chas said as she sipped her wine, ‘can’t imagine who that could be, can you dearest son in law?’   
‘I’ll get it’ Liv yelled from the sitting room. Robert took a large sip of whiskey and hoped they wouldn’t see the tremor. Paddy walked over to Chas and bent his head down  
‘We promised Aaron, keep it zipped’ he muttered  
‘If Mr Shifty had followed that piece of advice we might be able to eat Christmas dinner without getting a flaming ulcer’  
‘Rob, go to the hall and bring them into the dining room, we’re nearly ready and Mum I love you but shut it’

They had chatted about the seating on the way home from the pub last night. Aaron saw no big deal, he would sit in the middle of Robert and the woman that would now be part of their lives for the foreseeable. Chas would sit beside Aaron and Paddy and Liv would take up the other seats.   
‘Besides’, he chuckled ‘I won’t set any sharp knives’. 

Aaron took deep breaths, his counsellor had done the mental preparation well and he walked into the dining room.  
‘Rebecca, Merry Christmas, she sleep ok last night?’  
‘Yeah right through from the night feed, thanks’  
‘Like her Dad then, eh Mr Dingle’, he put his arm on his husband’s shoulder and smiled at the little baby.

oOo

Darkness was creeping in. Aaron glanced over at his husband cradling his daughter. Chas was looking too and Aaron could see she was a cross between angry and amazed. He caught Robert’s eye and they shared a look. It said all that had to be said, the look between a couple who had faced adversity and made it to the other side, a couple who faced their future united in a determination to do their absolute best for each other. 

 

‘Thank you Aaron, I really mean it. This was a special day for me and my daughter’  
‘Don’t mention it and here’s a little something for the little lady’  
‘Robert gave her something already’  
‘I know, we picked it together. This is from me. I, well Liv and I, got it yesterday. Look Rebecca, she is Robert’s daughter and that means she is part of my life. I know what it’s like to have a useless Dad. He won’t be that and I’m not going to be a useless step-dad’  
‘This is the last of her things’, Rob came struggling with three bags. Rebecca smiled as he took them out to the car. They waved them off and Rob felt a weight off his shoulders.  
‘I said we’d take her on New Year’s, Rebecca and Ross are heading to Manchester’   
‘Did you, I thought it was going to be just us with Liv going to Sandra’  
‘Rob, she’s your daughter and we are going to be looking after her on New Year’s, it will be just us…..and a baby’ Rob shook his head contentedly as Aaron walked into the kitchen.

 

oOo

‘Sugden’ Chas took a slight wobble as she put on her coat.  
‘Yeah…’ he braced himself. He missed the way they were before he had all but destroyed everything and everyone he cared for.  
‘You are a prat’  
‘Chas, please you were doing well’ Paddy whispered in case Aaron would hear.  
‘Paddy flaming Kirk, let me finish. But you are my son’s prat. He loves you and I know…look I know you love him too. Just know that if I ever have to be a step grand ma to another of your spawn I know a vet that does great castration, ain’t that right Paddy?’

oOo

Rob looked at his phone, a text from Vic hoping everything had gone well. He looked at the picture and smiled. The people that mattered most to him, Aaron, Liv and on her lap his daughter. His husband had made him realise he had to be there for her, they had both suffered from absent parents. He took off his shirt thinking about how this room had made him sick but how Aaron had insisted it be theirs still. Rob was thinking of the many memories he and Aaron had made here in the last two months as his husband sauntered in wiping his eyes.

‘Mr Sugden’  
‘Mr Dingle, oh I almost forgot to give you this, it’s part of your present’  
Robert opened the envelope, a reservation for a restaurant he thought he would never afford again, for February twentieth.   
‘You’re spoiling me, wait it’s for eight people’  
‘Yeah you, me, Adam, Vic, Mum, Paddy, Dianne and Doug’  
‘I’m guessing it’s for our anniversary but you want all that lot at it, your Mum and Paddy may not think it should be marked’  
‘Well me Mum will want to mark her son being legally married’  
‘Aaron…’  
‘Yeah well like you said…messed up forever…and this time I want a cert to prove it’  
They looked at each other in the faint light of the bedside lamp.  
‘Aaron, you know…’  
‘Yeah, Robert, I know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say I really enjoyed writing this story. I hope you enjoyed it too. Thanks for all the comments, they meant a lot.


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